If you find yourself unable to control the never-ending river of racist/politically incorrect one-liners that come out of your mouth, fear not, for I am here to help. Self-control and decorum are for the weak, so a certain degree of tact is necessary in order to avoid making a scene or being mercilessly gang-stomped. Below are several of the most prominent and sensitive butts of the most common jokes, and the hows and whys of avoiding them. For your consideration, I present to you:
Bad Times To Tell Jokes About…
Women's Lib
Most Dangerous Locales: Abortion Clinics/Birkenstock and Flannel sales
When: Any time.
Why You Should Keep Your Damn Mouth Shut: Because they will eat your soul, and possibly the rest of you, but only after removing your scrotum with the edge of a Bic lighter.
How to Avoid: Stop, look around, and ask yourself, “Are any of these women attractive/not hairy?” If there is an unsafe ratio, or an almost utter lack of bras, flee the scene.
Black People
Most Dangerous Locales: Churches with more than three lowered Escalades parked outside/Anywhere else
When: The warmer days of the year.
Why You Should Keep Your Damn Mouth Shut: Because they will, when angered, resort to righteous tirades on social injustice. Or they’ll beat you to death while making fun of your genitals.
How to Avoid: Only go outside when it’s very cold, or don’t go outside at all.
Gay People
Most Dangerous Locales: Nightclubs with aquatic or tool-related names/The gym
When: Year-round, although generally at night.
Why You Should Keep Your Damn Mouth Shut: Because gay men have hot female friends, work out constantly, and wrestle each other as part of their sexual congress. They are more than equipped to kick the crap out of your pudgy, short-winded ass. Failing that, they’ll just tell Kimberly and Bridget how small your package is in your gym shorts.
How to Avoid: Do exactly what God intended: stay at home, eat fried foods, only date women you meet at AA, and wear mismatched patterns.
Mentally-Disabled People
Most Dangerous Locales: McDonalds/Public libraries
When: Early afternoon, when tard school typically lets out for the day.
Why You Should Keep Your Damn Mouth Shut: Because there is nothing more embarrassing than being mauled to death by eight screaming, short-fingered mongoloids in front of their hot teacher. Retards are surprisingly strong and resilient. Plus, it’s only slightly less embarrassing to win a fight with one than to lose.
How to Avoid: You see that insanely gorgeous girl talking with the helmet-and-velcro-shoe-wearing thirty-year-old? Yeah, don’t go in there.