EAST RUTHERFORD—The Philadelphia Eagles and New York Giants met today in a game that could go a long way in determining the winner of the NFC East. Decimated by injuries, the Big Blue had hoped to cool off the red-hot Eagles who had won four straight. Already without Pro Bowl quarterback Phil Sims, the Giants were relieved to hear that starting running back David Megget would be available for today's game. Megget, who had spent the night at a local hospital with an undisclosed (sexually transmitted) ailment, was released just minutes before kickoff and ran the three miles to the stadium in full pads as he was cheered on by adoring fans and hospital orderlies.

Quarterback Jeff Hostetler got the start in place of the injured Sims, but was unable to get much offense out of the G-Men early. "For Hoss, we had to cut the playbook back to eight plays. That really limited us in the play-calling department," explained the Giants stereotypical fat, white head coach. After a quick three-and-out, the Eagles were dealt a blow on the ensuing possession when starting running back Keith Byars was helped off the field by trainers. He was later taken to the hospital for observation and is considered day-to-day. "I'm not too concerned about my injury. I'm just afraid that my wife will find out about the hookers [New York linebacker] Lawrence Taylor sent to my room last night. Damn, these New York whores are amazing," exclaimed Byars. Play was halted midway through the first quarter when the players followed a Heath Sherman fumble into the stands. Eight spectators, including an 11-year-old girl, were treated for injuries sustained in the scrum. Charges have not yet been filed.

After a scoreless first quarter, the Giants drew first blood on a 42-yard touchdown run by Otis Anderson. Philadelphia's resulting possession ended on a fourth-and-seven from their own 44, when they inexplicably attempted a 73-yard field goal, which came up a mere two yards short. The teams then exchanged punts, and with the Eagles' offense sputtering, Hostetler looked to put the game seemingly out of reach when he uncorked a deep sideline route from the back of his own end zone to wideout Mark Ingram that was intercepted by Philadelphia safety Andre Waters. With under two minutes to go in the half, Quincy Bryan Eagles, a man that was destined to play quarter back for Philadelphia, took over. After two short completions put Philadelphia near midfield, QB Eagles scrambled for a 46-yard gain as the clock wound down, setting up a field goal as the half expired. "I don't know how to describe the feeling. Some players describe it as being 'in the zone,' I guess I was just feeling excellent," said Eagles, whose team trailed 3-7 at the half.

It was more of the same in the second half as Eagles gained 94 of his game-high 161 yards on the ground and scoring the team's only touchdown of the game. "There wasn't anything I could do to catch the little bastard," said an obviously coked-out Lawrence Taylor, "that [African American] is quick." Following another Roger Ruzek field goal, the Eagles took a 13-7 lead. Meanwhile, the Giant's offensive woes continued until the fourth quarter when back-to-back flea flickers put them in Philadelphia territory. But when they tried to go to the well for a third consecutive time, nose tackle Mike Golic burst through the line and knocked over Hostetler just as Anderson pitched the ball. Reggie White recovered the fumble and ended the scoring threat.
"You've got to get up awfully early in the morning to complete back-to-back-to-back flea flickers on Golic," said Golic. When probed, Hostetler admitted he didn't wake up until "quarter to eleven or so."

New York never threatened again, and Philadelphia ran out the clock to earn a 13-7 victory. The game was not without controversy, however, as many members of the Giants' coaching staff accused the Eagles of stealing plays. "I don't know how they did it," said an anonymous coach, "the entire line broke through like they knew what the play was." The Eagles have denied any wrong-doing.