Kelli

Bro, I’m telling you: this isn’t just another stupid crush. Sure, Kelli’s bod’ is totally slammin’, but she has SO much more going on. We talked for, like, 15 minutes over ice cold Natties at Connor’s crunkfest last night. I really dig a babe who can enjoy the delicious taste of unfiltered Natural Light. Not only did she keep up with me on chugging brews, but we have the same taste in music! After our second game of pong, Journey started playing over the boombox. She was all like, “I love this song!” and started screaming “JUST A SMALL TOWN GIRLLIVIN’ IN A LONELY WORRRRRRRRLD!!!!!” Kelli’s also into watching awesome films. She texted me at 3:30 last night, “CME OVER ‘N WACH FITE CLUB???” Man, that movie rocks. It’s got philosophy and shit AND tons of awesome fight scenes. Only chicks who are deep appreciate Fight Club. I’m telling you Preston, she’s perfect.

Candi
Oh my God! Candi is amazing! I’ve never met a girl who could sink so many cups in Beirut! When she had to puke in the corner of the basement she took it like a champ. Just wiped her mouth and made the next three cups! You should have seen the tee-shirt she was wearing, Brah—Dick in a Box! I’m all over a girl with a sense of humor. Wearing such an irreverent shirt, she’s probably really smart and funny. Not that it matters with the rack on her, know what I’m sayin?! HIGH FIVE! She’s also into saving the world and shit. As an ECON major, she’s got the inside scoop on all that corporate bullshit like Abercrombie and Bitch. That’s why she shops at stores for individuals. Like Hot Topic. Oh yeah, and she’s not a hoe-bag like Kelli. I’m positive bro-bro, she’s perfect.

Mandi

Dude, Mandi’s birthday is 2 weeks and 4 days before mine! How weird is that? It’s like one of those “match-made-in-Heaven” deals. Not to mention….her ass is BANGIN’!. Plus, she’s younger, so I know she’ll appreciate me more than that slut Candi. Like, girls tell me all the time that they love older dudes. More mature and shit, y’know? She’s perfect, brahzilla.

Brandi

How many girls spell Brandi with an “i” instead of a “y?” I love girls who are unique like that. Brandi has the sweetest dance moves. I'm pretty sure she knows some rappers.She’s also so hot she makes Mandi look like a bag lady. She’s definitely perfect.

Molli

I'm in love with Molli. She likes coffee just like me- milke and 9 sugars, bro. Wedrank Starbuck’s andbanged ather apartment last night. She’snotperfect, but at least better than skanky Brandi…

Alli

Fuck I'm lonely.