1. Place ear to chest of victim and "shoosh" gathering customers as you listen for heartbeat. Announce that you can hear no pulse and demand they give victim "some air, for Christ's sake."

2. Tear open victim's shirt, place hands on victim's chest and begin sequence of 15 compressions, counting each with audible whisper.

3. Tilt victim's head back, place lips around mouth, and begin respiration. Repeat compression/respiration sequence for up to 2 minutes or until random bystander pats you on shoulder and gently insists victim is "gone."

4. Sit beside victim, defeated, gently weeping with head buried in hands.

5. Shout that it isn't the victim's "time yet" and throw self back on victim's body. Pound clenched fist down on victim's chest until victim miraculously regains consciousness, or bystanders yank you violently away.