Talking about sex with your parents is uncomfortable enough, but just imagine how bad it could be if your mom or dad is a professional. Luckily, Collegehumor uncovered the secret audio tapes of certain high profile “birds and the bees” discussions. I have transcribed them here for your reading pleasure:


Sigmund Freud: Well Martin, you see…when every young boy matures he begins having these feelings that he cannot control.

Martin: Right.

Sigmund Freud: You see, these are all very natural feelings and you should not be ashamed of them. Do you understand?

Martin: I think so.

Sigmund Freud: Good. Now when you fantasize about your mother in bed, how does that make you feel?

Martin: Wait…what?!

Sigmund Freud: You know, when you’re…I mean when you beat the meat and you’re thinking about your mother…


OK, hold on dad. That’s f***ed up. I don’t think about mom in that way.

Sigmund Freud: It’s alright son. Everyone does it. I’m not mad. I just need you to open up about your feelings. You know your grandmother used to be a pretty attractive woman herself many years ago…

Martin: Dad, I told you I’m not talking to you when you’re on coke.

Sigmund Freud: Where are you going?
[sound of door slamming]


Ron Jeremy:

Now listen son, it’s your responsibility to take over the family
business. And, I know that time’s have changed but you’ve got to treat that girl with respect. You always offer her a towel before the cameras start to role.

Ron Jr.: Dad, I was kind of thinking about being a lawyer.

Ron Jeremy: What?!

Ron Jr.: Yeah, I’m not sure that the whole porn star lifestyle is really for me.

Ron Jeremy: I am a very despondent man. My own son, my flesh and blood, wants to be a lawyer. What a waste of your talents. You were ten inches at birth for crisesake!

Ron Jr.: I’m sorry dad.

Ron Jeremy: Don’t apologize to me. I’m not the one sending you to burn in hell for your career choices.


Lourdes: Mom, we were learning about sex in health class today and…

Madonna: What? How dare they teach sex in public school! They should leave it where it belongs, on MTV, for kids to learn about after school.


Yeah, anyway. They were giving these things out and said boys have to wear them or I might get pregnant.

Madonna: What are those things?

Lourdes: You mean you don’t know?

Madonna: I’ve never seen one before in my life.

Lourdes: Um…they’re called condoms I think and…

Madonna: Throw those away! What would our Kabbalah Rabbi say if he knew we were indulging ourselves in satanic condom rituals?

Lourdes: They’re actually pretty important according to my teacher since…

Madonna: That’s enough young lady! Now go to your room and bring your new little African brother!