Talking about sex with your parents is uncomfortable enough, but just imagine how bad it could be if your mom or dad is a professional. Luckily, Collegehumor uncovered the secret audio tapes of certain high profile “birds and the bees” discussions. I have transcribed them here for your reading pleasure:


FREUD & MARTIN


Sigmund Freud: Well Martin, you see…when every young boy matures he begins having these feelings that he cannot control.


Martin: Right.


Sigmund Freud: You see, these are all very natural feelings and you should not be ashamed of them. Do you understand?


Martin: I think so.


Sigmund Freud: Good. Now when you fantasize about your mother in bed, how does that make you feel?


Martin: Wait…what?!


Sigmund Freud: You know, when you’re…I mean when you beat the meat and you’re thinking about your mother…


Martin:

OK, hold on dad. That’s f***ed up. I don’t think about mom in that way.

Sigmund Freud: It’s alright son. Everyone does it. I’m not mad. I just need you to open up about your feelings. You know your grandmother used to be a pretty attractive woman herself many years ago…

Martin: Dad, I told you I’m not talking to you when you’re on coke.

Sigmund Freud: Where are you going?
[sound of door slamming]


RON JEREMY & RON JR.


Ron Jeremy:

Now listen son, it’s your responsibility to take over the family
business. And, I know that time’s have changed but you’ve got to treat that girl with respect. You always offer her a towel before the cameras start to role.

Ron Jr.: Dad, I was kind of thinking about being a lawyer.

Ron Jeremy: What?!

Ron Jr.: Yeah, I’m not sure that the whole porn star lifestyle is really for me.

Ron Jeremy: I am a very despondent man. My own son, my flesh and blood, wants to be a lawyer. What a waste of your talents. You were ten inches at birth for crisesake!

Ron Jr.: I’m sorry dad.

Ron Jeremy: Don’t apologize to me. I’m not the one sending you to burn in hell for your career choices.


MADONNA & LOURDES


Lourdes: Mom, we were learning about sex in health class today and…


Madonna: What? How dare they teach sex in public school! They should leave it where it belongs, on MTV, for kids to learn about after school.


Lourdes:

Yeah, anyway. They were giving these things out and said boys have to wear them or I might get pregnant.

Madonna: What are those things?

Lourdes: You mean you don’t know?

Madonna: I’ve never seen one before in my life.

Lourdes: Um…they’re called condoms I think and…

Madonna: Throw those away! What would our Kabbalah Rabbi say if he knew we were indulging ourselves in satanic condom rituals?

Lourdes: They’re actually pretty important according to my teacher since…

Madonna: That’s enough young lady! Now go to your room and bring your new little African brother!