Ethan: Like the day your mom gets drunk and tells you you were adopted, we all knew this time would come: Roger Clemens is back with the Yankees. Thoughts?
Amir: Desperate times call for desperate measures. Isn't his contract Un-prorated more than A-Rods? And isn't his age, Un-prorated more than A-Rod's father? Can he possibly be that helpful!?
Ethan: Yeah, he'll help. He won't be as great as he'd been in the weak division when he was in Houston, but he's probably good for 11-12 wins and a mid-threes ERA.
Amir: He's no Darrell Rasner, but I guess beggars can't be choosers.
Ethan: I hate the Yankees as much as every other non-evil guy, but I'm actually kind of happy they got an upgrade. Sure, it was funny to laugh at their struggles, but we need for them to keep doing just well enough to make the playoffs, then choking. Everyone wins this way. Plus, Yankees fans are going to get cocky again, which should remind us all why they're not just in the Douchebag Sports Fans Hall of Fame, they're on the logo.
Amir: Can you name one other athlete who is getting this type of rock star treatment? He's more powerful than whole organizations. He's like an abusive husband. Coming and going whenever he wants, making demands, and getting his way. Then at the end of the day, the bruised Yankees just succumb to his needs. "It's my fault, I shouldn't have released him two years ago I fell down the stairs is all "
Ethan: "He fake-retires because he loves me!"
Amir: I knew things were fishy when his contract called for "Porkchop Thursdays, woman! And no back talk!"
Ethan: I still don't know if they'll be able to make the playoffs with a 45-year-old ace and a rotating cast of injury concerns, but it should at least be interesting to watch. The Sox are about to get Jon Lester back, and he could make as big an impact as Clemens. Plus, what's more impressive: Lester overcoming cancer or Clemens overcoming, "Nah, I don't think I want to pitch until June. I'm really into this season of Dancing with the Stars."
Amir: The first one. No, wait. The second. What was the question again?
Ethan: Moving along: did you have Street Sense?
Amir: I had enough Street Sense not to care about Horse Racing if that's what you're asking. Do you watch the Derby?
Ethan: I'm from Kentucky, of course I do! It was a great race this year, and though I wanted to see Hard Spun take it, it was tremendously entertaining. At least there was a clear winner, which is more than we can say for De La Hoya-Mayweather. If a fight's supposed to "save boxing," shouldn't it be better than a boring split decision?
Amir: They should definitely fight until somebody gets knocked out. Nobody wants to see a brawl that ends with judge's opinion. That's like subjectively determining the Superbowl, instead of using score. "I dunno, The Bears did have a good first quarter "
Ethan: Boxing's fun to watch, but there's no way anything will be popular here if it involves judges. That fight felt like both guys were trying to win on points rather than score a KO. If I want to see crappy boxing, I'll try to beat Glass Joe using only body shots, thank you.
Amir: That dumb blond is gonna be puking blood tonight!
Ethan: NBA playoffs: I guess I have to wear Baron Davis' beard all summer. Can they come back from 1-0 to beat the Jazz?
Amir: Ah yes, I had Golden State in the second round, and I'm not about to start doubting now. If they can take 4 out of 6 from Dallas they can take 4 out of the next 6 against Utah.
Ethan: I can't believe we're debating Utah vs. Golden State and not Houston vs. Dallas.
Amir: I can't believe Utah is three wins away from the western conference finals. Greg Ostertag is rolling around in his grave.
Ethan: My only real reason for thinking the Warriors will win is that I'd rather stab my own mother than cheer for Carlos Boozer. Anyone with that much chest hair but so little hair on his head is not to be trusted. Suns-Spurs, who you got?
Amir: Spurs are going to run (or methodically and slowly walk) all over the Suns. As usual. Have you seen this Mike D'Antoni quote that came after game 1?
Ethan: "I look like I should be selling discount car insurance."?
Amir: No, it's
Ethan: "Okay, I'll admit, this mustache is a hipster affectation. Does anyone have Arcade Fire tickets?"
Amir: No. Just listen!
Ethan: "Goddamn, I'm hungry. Anyone want to go this Italian place I know? It's called the Olive Garden."
Amir: He said, "I hate to say this and I hope it sounds the right way. I think we have more talent than they do, I think that we're individually better. Collectively, they're better right now."
Ethan: I was close.
Amir: What kind of head games is he playing? First of all, he's wrong, his team does not have as much talent individually. And secondly, if collectively they aren't playing better right now, thats HIS fault. He's insulting his opponents, his own team, and himself! The best part of the interview was his "secret weapon."
Ethan: Remote control ball?
Amir: Funnier. The reporter asked him to spill the beans on his "secret weapon" and D'Antoni responded, straight faced, "I think we're going to start Kurt Thomas."
Ethan: That's the biggest, least white, white flag I've ever seen.
Amir: Sorry Suns fans, better luck next year.
Ethan: Nash has already won the Most impressive Bleeding Performance of the Playoffs award, though. He's like a short, Canadian Tyler Hansbrough.
Amir: This round is going to be such a let down after round one. Pistons are going to destroy the Bulls, Cavs are going to win, Spurs are a lock. The only question is Utah v. Golden State and either of them will lose to the Spurs. I hate to break the news to everybody, but we may be headed towards another Detroit San Antonio final. Or as I call it, the black hole of ratings
Ethan: Ugh. Well, at least the WNBA's back. We got next! Got an interesting fact for us this week?
Amir: Your least favorite player, Carlos Boozer, had 10 offensive and 10 defensive rebounds in Utah's game one win over Golden State. You know how many times Karl Malone did that for the Jazz in the playoffs?
Ethan: Never, but he probably also never backed out on a blind owner like Boozer did. Or attended Duke.
Amir: Close. Once. Translation: Boozer is the most underrated player in the NBA. Thanks to haters like YOU.
Ethan: The most underrated player in the NBA is, was, and always will be Dan Majerle. I don't care that he's been retired for years. He's criminally underrated. Put him on the Bucks and they're a 60-win team.
Amir: Sorry Michael Redd. To the bench!
Ethan: Alright, until next week, go Sabres! That's something in hockey, right?
Amir and Ethan would like to remind you to read DiceGay.com: Carl Pavano's Blog. He's spitting so much truth it's practically considered drooling, son.