(or: How to Sleep with a Girl Despite a Total Lack of Social Graces)
For some of us, love comes easy. It can happen at the mall, the bookstore, or at Jimmy’s house when you were totally trying to hook up with her hotter friend. Either way, not everyone has romance problems. For those of us who do, here’s a few pointers on how to bag the perfect girl.
Failing that, here’s a few pointers on how to bag any girl who will have you.
1)Find a target. Seeking out romance without a proper subject is like masturbating to the cigarette ads on the back of Penthouse; you know it’s in there somewhere, but damned if I know how to finish this analogy.
2)Befriend one of her friends. Preferably, one should only make nice with the ugly/stupid girl in your target’s entourage. That way, any drama or resulting backlash from your obvious disinterest can be blamed on the fact that she’s ugly/stupid.
3)Reconnoiter. Yes, you have to be like Solid Snake on this one. Wait, scratch that- you have to BE Solid Snake. Become that motherfucker. You’ve got to know where the enemy is, where the rations are hiding, and what kind of music your target listens to. Also, be well-versed in hand-to-hand combat and the use of a wide array of assault weapons. Couldn’t hurt.
4)Fit yourself to her preferences. I don’t care if your only passion is live-action RPGs. No seriously- I don’t care, so stop talking about it. Look, do want to score some ass or what? Then quit being a douche, put down the ten-sided dice and listen up. Jesus.
5)Wear pink. Chicks dig guys comfortable enough with their sexuality to wear pink, so go out and get a whole new wardrobe’s worth of pink shirts. Dude, I’m just kidding. How could you fall for that? I mean, you’ve spent the last nineteen years in your parents’ basement playing D&D and obviously not washing your face. Nothing could possibly make you look any worse than pink clothes. Except, well, for natural light.
6)Start rumors about yourself. By this I don’t mean go out and spread obviously untrue stories about your heroism and studliness. Go for subtlety; you were maybe, possibly, in jail once. You might have beaten someone to death with a bicycle chain. You could, or so everyone’s heard, be packing around ten fat inches of nerd-steak. What? Who cares if she finds out you don’t? Look, if she’s gotten that far…
7)Read something she’s heard of. Before you think I’m asking you to trade in Thucydides for Cosmo, listen for a minute: chicks read, too. Yeah, turns out that the ones worth talking to are also the ones who scribble liner notes in War and Peace. The thing is, you can’t constantly read about guy stuff. Pick up some Frank McCourt, and for God’s sake be seen reading it. He doesn’t suck and you’ll look like you have a heart.
8)Whatever you do, don’t be a pussy about it. From lacrosse jocks to particle physics grad students, one thing sets some guys apart from others: confidence. Yes, I know some girls like shyness. That’s not what we’re talking about. Shyness and being a pussy are two totally different things. Unless you’re a shy pussy.
9)Make your presence known. I realize that some girls don’t like guys who draw attention to themselves, but let’s face it: if you were all that captivating, you wouldn’t need my advice to get chicks.
10) If all else fails, you’ve got a brain tumor. Don’t look at me like that. I know it’s dishonest, but what can you do? A little subterfuge can go a long way with some girls. Don’t get all moral with me, you acne-riddled, pink-shirt-wearing, shy, pale-faced pussy. You’re fucking pathetic! Do you hear me? PATHETIC! So yeah- brain tumor, six months to live, huge nerd-penis.
You’re welcome.