Man’s best friend…

A lot of you probably thought I was going to write about a dog, or a cat or what ever your favorite animal is, not so much. I think people have too eagerly jumped on the bandwagon in assuming that a dog is man’s best friend. Don’t get me wrong I like dogs; I grew up with a few. Not really a cat person though. I can tolerate them, I’ve lived with one before, they’re just not my thing. Maybe I’m not a cat person because my mother suffers from Ailurophobia, an abnormal fear of cats. I’m not afraid of them; I just have a hard time relating to them. Plus, I’ve heard they see dead people.

I think it’s time we gave the title of, “Man’s best friend” to something else.

Might I suggest the donut as Man’s best friend? In the next few paragraphs I will argue that a donut is a better friend than a dog, or whatever your favorite animal is.

A donut will not runaway, chew up your favorite shoes (or in my case Star Wars action figures and G.I. Joe action figures with kung-fu grip.) They will not devalue your furniture and or carpet. They won’t play a fun little game called hide and shit, or as cat’s like to call it, “fuck you I’ll shit where I want.” (C’mon you know that’s what they’re thinking.) You come home one hot day after work; you stick the key in the door and unlock an ungodly smell that seeps into your pores. Your dog does one of two things. Either they cower in the corner, or they jump up all excited to see you as if to say, “Hey I just took a shit somewhere, try and find it.” Or maybe you don’t smell it right away, that glade air freshener actually worked for once. Months later you reach into the closet looking for that pair of boots that you only wear once a year. Your hand disappears into the dark cavernous corner of the closet reserved for things that you rarely use. Your hand happens upon something rough and crumbly, much like a dirt clod. Only it’s not a dirt clod, enough said.

Oh I’m sure some of you will counter with the fact that a donut won’t greet you when you get home, won’t lick your face and cuddle with you when you are sad and lonely. Donuts will make you fat and unhealthy. Okay, you make good points, but let’s take a closer look at your counter arguments.

A donut won’t greet when you come home. This is true, donuts will not hop up on you at the sight of your arrival, and donuts will not dance around all excited when you enter a room. Could it be that the reason a dog is so excited to see you is that you hold the key to their survival and when you left they weren’t sure you were going to return?

A donut won’t lick your face or cuddle with you when you are sad and or lonely. Once again this is true. A donut will not do those things, but because a donut has high sugar levels it will temporarily cause your brain to raise it’s serotonin levels giving you a reprieve from your depression.

A donut will make you fat and unhealthy. Well, so will dogs or what ever your favorite animals are if eat enough of them. Think about it.

Furthermore…

They say that if you die a dog will not eat your body; it will in fact starve to death and die along side of you. A cat on the other hand will eat your dead flesh just to stay alive.

Pop quiz hot shots….

Would you rather….

A) Find a dead person and their dead dog.
B) Find a grossly disfigured dead person and a deranged cat that has been eating human flesh for god knows how long.
C) Find a dead person and plate of donuts waiting to help you deal with the shock and trauma of finding a dead person.

You picked C didn’t you?

I know what you’re thinking; there is no emotional investment in a donut. Good point, but maybe that’s what is so great about the donut. A donut can easily be replaced with out any awkward guilt. Donut shops are usually open twenty four hours a day. You can always get one when you need one. How many of you had parents that got you a new dog as soon as the old dog started to lose a step? A way of cushioning the blow when the old one finally kicked the bucket, not quite as insensitive as replacing the animal right after the death. Why do you think men dump their wives for younger women? Could it be that we love them too much? The idea of watching them slowly march towards their death kills us a little bit every day. So we find a newer younger woman, one that won’t die before us. A way of cushioning the blow when the older bitter one finally kicks the bucket. And you know what? You have every right to be bitter, bitter towards dogs or whatever your favorite animal is.

And that is all for now….