Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Happy National Masturbation Month!
May 11, 2007
No, I didn't just make that up in order to have an excuse for skipping two birthday parties and a couple temp assignments last week to stay in and have "me" time. It's true. The Good Vibrations sex toy company deemed the month of May National Masturbation Month in 1995 after important conservative people-who've never touched their own genitals- fired US Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders because she gave a pro-masturbation response to a question.
"Mindy, a woman got fired for advocating masturbation? How is that possible?!
I know. It's shocking. But it was way back in 1995. The world and its women were different back then. Donna Martin was still a virgin, Oprah wasn't officially God yet, Katie Holmes was still Catholic. . .
"But Mindy, it's almost two weeks into the month. I have so much to do. I'm overwhelmed!"
Don't be overwhelmed, you have 21 more days left to celebrate and I'm here to map out each exciting day for you.
Okay no. I barely got up to a week because thinking up new ways for you guys to "celebrate" each day was daunting. Here's how far I got though:
: Masturbate once before each meal
: Masturbate in loft bed while roommate studies below in futon
: Girls, cross and rub legs together while riding a form of public transportation
: Participate in some form of community service. Masturbate afterwards.
: Say, "Happy National Masturbation Month!" to one of your professors. Leave Class. Masturbate.
: Convince two strangers to masturbate in a public bar.
: Masturbate while thinking about an ex day
: Masturbate in a library/computer lab day
This is where I took a "me" break while thinking about that night I was supposed to studying European History in the University of Michigan stacks. And then I went back to the column and immediately took another "me" break thinking about my very first kegel. Then I became afraid I would never get around to posting this column and that Streeter would e-mail me asking where the column was only to get an automated e-mail reply from me that read: "Mindy will be away from her computer from 5-1 through 5-31 on holiday."
So I decided it might be good idea to post some masturbation techniques and tips for you guys. ( Well, mostly for the girls because sadly some of us still feel shame). So I was reading this article some sexpert wrote on about.com about advance techniques for female masturbation and HE suggested women should talk dirty to themselves. "Talk dirty to yourself?" I thought, "Mindy, you I should try this!" (for the column, of course) So I took another "me" break and decided to try one of his talk dirty to yourself tips that suggested:
While you're masturbating imagine you are the other person, telling you what's going to come next.
Imagine I'm the other person telling me what I'm gonna do next? No problem.
Okay Mindy I'm gonna take off your pants now. Ow, did you shave your legs? I shaved yesterday. Why, is it stubbly? A little. Sorry. That's okay. Okay now I'm gonna stick my finger inside your-Oh shit, did I send my rent check out yet? I don't know, but I really want to suck on your nipples. Oh, okay that would be nice. I can't reach! Well try harder. I am! It's not easy trying to please you, you know?Well maybe it would be easy if you put a little effort into it every once in awhile.What are you saying? It's always the same old thing. You're so predictable. Well you only want me when the boyfriend is out of town these days, how do you think that makes me feel? Well I'm sorry if-Wait, yes, I did send the rent check out. Oh good. I'm hungry. Me too. Let's order Burritoville. Sounds like a plan.
So I don't suggest that talking dirty to yourself, but I do I hope these masturbatory rambles acted as a catalyst in getting you guys to celebrate National Masturbation Month. And now. . .back to "me" time.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.