Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
7 Horrible Mother's Day Gift Ideas... And One That Doesn't Suck
May 12, 2007
Basically getting your mom
tells her that you see her as nothing but a source of food for you. It blatantly screams that you care nothing of the tremendous strides taken by women to be recognized as a societal contributor outside of the home. It also says that you think she's a slob. "Hey mom, you have barbeque sauce all over your tits!" If you choose to get her this particular french maid apron you're also revealing your Odeipal Complex. Way to be.
Nothing says, "I haven't learned anything about you or what kinds of things you like in the 18+ years you've spent raising me" like a
. If you don't know what kind of sweaters your mom likes at this point in your life you should put yourself up for adoption. Your mom doesn't deserve you.
So for some reason you were thinking about your mom on the toilet while you were shopping for Mother's Day. Is that it, you sick f*ck? Honestly, what are you trying to do with
this gift here?
You know what she'd probably like a lot better? If you'd stop pissing on the seat. No need for a toilet cover to hide urine stains if you could quit being such a miscreant.
, another thing you're mom has to provide for. Another living, breathing animal that will suck the life out of your mother by wasting her money and ruining all of her furniture. You've already done enough, man. What with your constant need of attention when you were younger, the growing dissapointment for the kind of person you've become. You're mom has cleaned up enough shit in her life. Why would you do this to her? Plus, ferretts scratch.
"Hey Mom, happy Mother's Day! I didn't bake you a cake, but I bought some mix on your credit cards and I want you to make it. Hurry, I'm starving." You're a horrible kid.
Flowers don't mean anything when you picked them from her garden in your yard.
Nice thought. But a card is supposed to preceed the gift, cheapskate.
Here's what you do:
Go buy a really nice frame.
Nothing antique looking, that will make your mom think she's old. Now, go through every photo album you own. The goal here is to find the best possible picture of your mom when she was young- about your age even. Next, take that photo to Kinko's or any similar store, get it touched up and enlarge it to fit that fancy frame you got. Feel free to wrap it up in newspaper, you can cut corners on the wrapping with a thoughtful gift. Basically this gift let's your mom feel young again, tells her that her you think she's beautiful, and shows her she has a kid who isn't so vain that he'd give her a picture frame with a picture of him in it.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.