A couple days ago I was watching re-runs of Family Matters, and it got me to thinking about one of the great evils of our great nation's history. I'm talking' bout' slavery. One of my first thoughts about it was whether I would have been a slave owner. Not the "me" as I would be if I existed in the early 19th century, where I (presumably) may not have known any better, but me if I borrowed my buddies Delorean tomorrow and went for a spin back to the future. The me of now who would be fully aware of the moral and ethical repugnance of enslaving a race of people. The me who watched Roots last weekend. The me who once ate 27 chicken McNuggets in one sitting (?). Like most things, the answer is I definitely shouldn't, but I probably would. Here are some reasons why"

Easy Sex-I'm not a handsome man. Because I'm not a handsome man I need to rely on my personality to get women, but because I'm the type of person who admits he would own slaves if it were possible, my personality is pretty lousy too. Do the math, and it's clear I suck at girls. Fortunately for the slave owner, it doesn't matter what a girl thinks about you if you own her. Imagine this hypothetical (and highly arousing) scenario.

Me: Have sex with me woman slave.Her: OK

Ten minutes later"

Me: Thank you for the sexHer: Would you like some pie.Me: What a slut.

Booya grandma, booya.

People Do Stuff for You-This is one of the biggies. I'm not a lazy type of person, but lots of times when I have stuff to do I don't feel like doing anything and I think to myself, "Tom, wouldn't it be great if you had someone to do this stuff for you." With slaves, that dream would be a reality. Imagine being waited on hand and foot- it'd be like having a girlfriend you're better looking than, except you'd never have to say "thanks" or "I think you look really nice today, seriously." Every task you would have begrudgingly slopped through would be done for you. The only hitch I can see is that since a lot of the slaves didn't go to college back then they probably wouldn't be very good at doing taxes. You'd have to get jew-slaves for that. I'd keep around a few more slaves that were different ethnicities too, so I wouldn't seem like I was a racist. They'd still be mostly black though. It'd be about the same ratio as an NBA team.

I've Always Wanted Black Friends-Sometimes when I'm with a big group of black people I feel like I don't fit in. Saying usually benign stuff like "these black lights are giving me a headache, " I hope I don't black out," and "I wish there weren't so many black people here, I'm afraid someone might take my wallet" makes me feel uncomfortable. The remedy for this problem is simple though; befriend a bunch of black people. But wait a minute- why not just buy some instead!

Once I bought a whole bundle of them (I'm not exactly sure how many would come in a bundle, but I thought that saying "boatload" would sound racist" since they're not very good swimmers) I'd be really nice to them, but not so nice as to make them think that I was a white dude who tries too hard to be down with black people, the kind they laugh at when he's not around. I'd be more like Robin Thicke. I'd throw them barbecues and break-dancing parties and that sort of thing.