Midgets, man or myth?

Actually neither.

Midgets are a unique species of animal from whom much can be learned. Since their rediscovery in 1982, midgets, and their disproportionately large heads, have been a wonder of the animal kingdom.

This week I had an opportunity to sit down with the world's foremost expert in both midgets and stealing DVD's from Blockbuster, zoologist Dr. Adam Mccrory, and get some answers on what makes midgets so simultaneously funny and pathetic.

Q. Dr. McCrory, in your mind what is the most phenomenal aspect of the midget?
A. What a ridiculous question…definitely their ability to perform magic.
Q Are all midgets magical?
A. Only midgets who still live in the wild.
Q. Wow, that's offensive. Tell us about the natural habitat of the midget.
A. Midgets, like most marsupials, sleep in trees and survive on a diet of small insects, tree bark, and granola bars.
Q. What is the brain of a midget like?
A. In some ways, it's like that of an actual person.
Q. I find that hard to believe.
A. Well Tom, midgets are, in fact, one of the more intelligent members of the animal kingdom. They are able to mimic both language and behavior, like a parrot. They also have low-level problem solving abilities. In intellectual ability, they lay somewhere between dolphins and retards.
Q. Well, thank you for your time Dr. McCrory.
A. I'm not sure what you mean by that, you just made me up.
Q. Hmmmmm…

After speaking with Dr. McCrory I learned some more fun facts about midgets. Originally, they were thought to have become extinct in the late 17th century, but the release of Risky Business in 1982 uncovered the existence of a breed of good looking and effeminate midgets known as actors. Led by Tom Cruise, these "actors"  fought bravely to secure a place where midgets could flourish, a place where idiocy and bizarre behavior is not only tolerated, but expected. After settling in Hollywood, midget leaders like Robin Williams, Danny Devito, and the actor who played Rudy, established the SAG, and the rest is history.

Most midgets are very friendly, but some midgets who work at 7-11 down the street from my house might card you for cigarettes and then not sell you any because you forgot your I.D. even though you are clearly older than 18 because 1.) you are in college and 2.) you have a really cool and masculine goatee that makes you look dangerous, but still sexy. These midgets might call the police if you throw eggs at their store window later that night and you might get charged with disorderly conduct and have to pay a $400 fine.

Anyway, it's impossible to overstate the contribution midgets have made to the American zeitgeist. Without them, we wouldn't have Willow, The Last Samurai, or a refreshing everyday reminder of how good the rest of us have it. In conclusion, midgets not only exist, but make great pets.