Ah, College"Masters of the University."

When I first arrived at college, I was confused, clueless, and in need of help at every turn. Much of your understanding of college comes through experience. Don't take a class this early. Don't go to this kind of party. They're all hard lessons we have to learn, and in my fifth year, I've learned them well. You can't go this long in college without picking up some useful information. Somewhere, I'm sure my parents are breathing a sigh of relief after reading that.

I don't think I would be exaggerating at this point to say that I know absolutely everything there is to know about college. I know the location of every building on campus. I know the room layout of each one. I even know the secret knowledge that elevators keep the same room number, even on different floors.

I'll pause a few moments for your gasps of amazement.

After all this time here, I know all the local history and legend. I could be a tour guide without any sort of formal training whatsoever. My personal specialty would be how to lead groups through the campus without blocking off the sidewalks completely. This lesson, I think, would be a good one for the existing guides to learn.

I know all the ins and outs to the dining halls. Including which ones have the best food, which ones have a pizza bar, the condiment selection at each, and the rotation of ice cream flavors across the campus. Most importantly, two years after leaving the dorms and no longer being constantly ill, I know exactly why I stopped eating there in the first place.

Having been around so long, I'm currently on a first-name basis with every professor and grad student within my field of study. This gives all our interactions that nice little personal touch some students just can't have. I'm sure things will get even better when we're all on a correct first-name basis, and people stop guessing a random "M" name for me.

I've been in my major for so long that I'm beginning to outlast some of the faculty. In my time there, I've seen the departure of four professors and the department head. I choose to take this as a compliment, instead of reading too far into what that says about how long I've been in college.

With so many classes, I've become intimately knowledgeable with the smallest details of my study. I could dig a hole in your back yard, and, using only measuring tape, I could tell you what Indians lived there, what they ate, and who was sleeping with who. Yet, after four years, I still can't think of a way to tell you all this in such a way that it would interest you.

Scheduling has become second nature to me. Knowing just the class name, the average satisfaction with it, and the number of majors it's a requirement for, I can make an equation to find out how many openings there will be for it. Though, I generally just use the computer to look it up, because that's way easier.

Missing classes is now a thing of the past. I could make it to class in pitch darkness, with my hands and legs tied behind my back, and arrive five minutes before class began with the reading assignment done. I can get to class no matter what illness I may have, what scheduling conflicts come up, or anything else you could possibly imagine. Unless I was tired. Then I'd stay home.

Writing so many papers has begun to mean that some of them are starting to repeat. I have so much paper experience that I could literally write one standing on my head, blindfolded, using my only thumbs. Of course, it doesn't take a fifth-year student to realize that makes papers much, much more work.

I'm not nearly as scared of tests as I used to be. After all, I've had nearly every single one of the questions before. Studying has become practically obsolete. Besides, I've gotten very familiar with how tests are proctored, so if all else fails, I can cheat without anybody noticing.

There's nothing left in college that I have left to learn. (Although my advisor seems to disagree with that assessment by about ten credits.) The amount of time I've had in college means that I've learned all my morals and lessons. I've mastered all the skills I may ever need. I am a student only in the sense that I've yet to receive my diplomas – which, as it turns out, is the most important sense.

On the other hand, if I'm so smart, why am I here for a fifth year?