• Blanket Jackson will become a California District Attorney famed for his harsh stance and relentless pursuit of sexual predators and child molesters.
  • After giving birth to her 37th child, Paris Hilton will be killed by a drunk driver with a suspended license. The Hilton heir will pass to her sister Nikki, who is slightly less of a despicable cunt, and Paris' children will die poor and attention-starved.
  • O.J. Simpson will contract elephantiasis and his hands will grow too large for any glove to fit them. Then, someone will stab him to death.
  • Ronald McDonald House will be forced to shut its doorswhen it is discovered that the rooms are too small for the increasingly obese children of America.
  • Due to a defect in a large shipment of razor blades, the wrist wounds on thousands of emo kids will become infected, leading to an epidemic of quadriplegia.
  • The funeral of Reverend Fred Phelps will be protested by the Westboro Baptist Church, after it is revealed that Reverend Phelps was a closet homosexual.
  • Director Sam Raimi, famed for such low-budget hits as Evil Dead, will make the most expensive movie in history, only for it to be hated by critics and fans—wait…shit…
  • Encouraged by Steve Jobs, Bill Gates will travel to the Bellagio in Las Vegas and place his entire net worth on 18 Black. He will lose.
  • A group of Jehovah's Witnesses, while skimming through the Bible, will find the passage, "…andI don't want you totry anyof that door-to-door shit…"
  • The guy who sits in his parents' basement and thinks up those MySpace bulletins will be killed in his sleep by a child with a knife.
  • After the death of Pope Benedict XVI, the succeeding pope will choose thetitle Pope Superfluous.
  • Bob Saget will join his sonto compete ina father-son talent show. It will involve beastiality and a socket wrench.
  • Walt Disney will be reincarnated as a day care manager, forced to put up with dozens of screaming, crying little kids, simply to earn a day's wage.
  • After years of survival training and exploration in the wild, Bear Grylls will starve to death after getting lost in a Wal-Mart.