• Every single time I'm done boning my girlfriend, she makes me take a shower. It's so f*cking annoying!
  • I swear, if I have to make one more trip to the bank to deposit a check, I'm going to straight up murder someone.
  • Why did you guys get so much beer? There's no WAY all of this can fit into my fridge.
  • These front-row seats are way too close to the stage. I can barely see the video monitors.
  • I have the biggest hangover right now; the drinks were just so inexpensive at the bar last night.
  • Why did my flight have to land 40 minutes early? Now I have to call my buddy to tell him to pick me up right now.
  • I am so exhausted right now. I really need to stop staying up until 4 in the morning having sex.
  • These gold bars that I found laying on the street are just so damn heavy!