Whenever I see fatpeople I always wonder, "Who are these people, what are their stories, and how can they be removed them from my life."I wonder this not because I think I'm better than them, but because I want to help them andI AMbetter than them,because well I'm not fat. And in the end isn't that what really matters?So for all of you who think the wonder the same things I do, I offer you this guide to some of the different kinds of fat people.
The Fat Guy: Usually known as the "The Fat Kid" until high school, this isone ofthe best kinds of fat people.This guy is the guy who has been fat all his life and has come to terms with it.He admits that he is fat and claims he doesn't take offense when people make fun of him about it, but deep inside it eats away at him (not literally, of course).You most likely have at least one of these in your circle of friends because they are generally cool people, are usually funny, and are easy to make fun of.
Examples:Chris Farley, Streeter Seidell
Good For: Comedy, Making you look better by comparison
The Fat Asshole: This is also a guy who has been fat his whole life, but he hasn't developed any sense of humor.Hepretends that he is successful in life andmight even have a girlfriend, but everyoneknows that he is a failure at life, and his girlfriend is fat, so thereforedoesn't exist. He is constantly negative andnever adds anything of value to any situation.You probably knew at least one of these people in high school and have tried to avoid them as much as possible since.
Example: That fat guy that broke your chair
Good For: Eating, weak insults.
The Fat Rapper:This is the rare fatman who is better than me even though he is fat, because his rapping talent outweighs his weight.They are successful with the ladies because they're rhythmic verbage entrances women and distracts them from their portly physique (and also because they're usually black).
Examples: Fat Joe, Notorious B.I.G.
Good For: Making it rain, getting shot
The Quiet Fat Girl: This is the saddest kind of fat person.You will usually have one of these in at least one class each semester.They rarely talk and if they do, they can barely be heard.Nobody ever talks to them, and this sends them into a deadly cycle: they are sad because no one talks to them, they eat because they are sad, and nobody talks to them because they are fat.You may be tempted to spark a conversation with her, but youwon't because well, she's fat.
Examples: That one girl, you know, the fat one
Good For: Writing bad poetry, crying
The Loud Fat Girl: This is the fat girl that tries to hide the fact that she is fat by pretending she has friends.She is constantly talking, always louder than necessary about various subjects such asgoing out last night or her "boyfriend" (yeah, right).The other participants in the conversation may feign interest or even pretend to be her friend, but they know that none of it can be true because nobobody could possibly like The Loud Fat Girl.
Examples: That annoying girl in your class, that annoying girl at parties
Good For: Annoying people, taking up an unneccesary amount of space at cramped house parties.
The Fat Bitch: This is the worst kind of fat person. Somehow they got it into their head that being fat isn't a bad thing and doesn't make them a bad person. They are always complaining about how skinny other girls are and the "unhealthy expectations" for girls, and all that bullshit.They are usually lesbian, liberal feminists and are not liked by anyone except for others of their kind.
Examples: Women's studies professors, Rosie O'donnell
Good For: Complaining, Looking extremely ugly
The Fat Girl With a Pretty Face: This is the girl who is fat, but is still kind of attractive because she has a pretty face.These girls are usually the most plentiful towards the end of a night of heavy drinking and disappear in the morningonly to bereplaced by the Loud Fat Girl.
Examples: That girl you hooked up with but didn't tell anybody about.
Good For: Slump-breaking, Blowjobs