Alright, so here’s what I was thinking: it’s gonna be Casablanca meets Tron on a submarine. Bruce Willis is like, this ordinary dentist right? WRONG! He’s actually a ninja. He doesn’t know this for at least the first 48 minutes though.
Basically, he’s been recruited by a top-secret government agency to infiltrate this top-secret submarine and steal top-secret documents from a terrorist group of Russians/Germans/Iraqi’s, all played by Nicolas Cage. The problem is that these terrorists have, like, 25 nuclear warheads, each one capable of continental destruction. It gets more complicated, though. Inside each warhead are 30 more warheads. AND inside each of those we have, get this, poisonous anacondas. Yeah, I know. Pretty crazy huh?
So anyway, this terrorist boat is something like 70,000 feet underwater. WAY too deep for any normal submarine to go. Bruce Willis only has 3 hours to disarm the warheads and steal the documents. He needs to get down there quickly, so what does he do? He uses his dental training to fashion a homemade rocket pack. This thing will take him down at around mach 5. How does a rocket pack work underwater? It’s waterproof. Duh.
Long story short, he gets down to the ship and sneaks on board by accessing a secret entrance that only he knows about. (It turns out he helped build the submarine.) Once there, he kills the terrorist’s bodyguards (also played by Nicolas Cage) and rescues the ship’s doctor, played by Jessica Alba. In the movie’s climactic sequence, Willis kills the head terrorist guy – who looks like a cross between Osama Bin Laden and Hitler – by throwing explosive ninja stars down his throat in a super-slow-mo matrix style sequence. No wait, we’ll have a point of view shot of the star as it descends into his stomach and explodes. Yeeaahh.
Anywho, the nuclear warhead goes off as Willis and Alba jump out of the ship. The force of the blast launches them upwards and the movie will end with Bruce Willis, with only an American flag draped around him, making love to Jessica Alba as they skyrocket to the surface. The title I’m going with right now is Snakepocalypse. Oh man, this will make SO much money.