During the Cold War, as an ultimate “Up yours, you Chernobyl mother fuckers!” the US government stole the Soviets’ thunder by sending television and film actor Michael J. Fox into the future.His trip gave us a rare glimpse of what life will be like in 2015.J. Fox, one of the greatest American badasses of all time, took on the task despite dealing with Parkinson’s AND lycanthropy. Why the government sent an actor into the future instead of credited scientists or astronauts is beyond the average human’s comprehension.Don’t think about it, your brain could explode.They must have also sent a small film crew, because Fox returned with enough video footage to create the documentary we now know as “Back to the Future II.”This documentary blessed the people of the world with a vision of things to come, and one specific item proved that the future is the greatest place ever; hoverboards.
Are hoverboards the greatest invention of the 21 century? Ask J. Fox himself, who didn’t even bother to check for cures to his two crippling diseases while in the future.He was too busy ripping shit up on a hot pink hoverboard.Said J. Fox in an interview a few months after the journey, “Dude, you’re on a board, and you hover. Wrap that around your head for a hot second.”
This brings me to my main problem.It’s 2007, and I have yet to see a freakin glimpse of hoverboard technology in the news.By 2015, multiple brands and designs of hoverboards will be available.This makes it is safe to say that hoverboards are not coming out just that year.You see, any hoverboard company that has had the time to make multiple hoverboards that are marketed at a competitive price to different genders and ages must have been in the hoverboard game for a few fucking years.This means hoverboards will probably need to come out more like 2011-2012.
So here I am, getting around in transportation that doesn’t hover, like a fucking Red Savage.Riding around in a fucking taxi cab?Does it look like my name is Tonto?!So where is Honda or NASA or Nabisco with a prototype hoverboard?Nowhere to be seen.Are they keeping it from the public?Are they worried the first specs aren’t up to par?I don’t care if the first few hoverboards can’t go over water.Everyone knows that Newton’s 4 law states: “Hoverboards can’t go over water, unless you have Powa!” That’s Power, with an “a,” for fucking emphasis. Newton was down with hoverboards 1000 years ago, and they didn’t even have forks back then.
When I think about how much my life would be benefited by owning a hoverboard, it fills me with hope for this bleak world.Monotonous task like walking the dog, going to work, or kidnapping children would be so much easier.You can’t snatch up an 8 year old on a skateboard; they hear you coming.
Until the time comes where I am not bounded to the earth by the witchcraft we know as gravity, I will sit in state of anticipation and dreams.So here’s the deal, potential hoverboard manufacturers: Quit working on that electric car, a cure for AIDS, rotisserie chicken machines, or whatever it is you’ve got going on, and get your ass to Hoverboardville.Population me.You’ve got 8 years.