Welcome back home. Summer vacation is in full swing- much like your flaccid penis. You've unpacked most of your crap, and you've watched 9 hours of baseball today alone, it's time to get out there and get your D wet. May I suggest your local pool club? No, I'm not being a dick, you're going to bone a lifeguard.

Get ready: You're kind of doughy looking, but that's cool, just do some crunches. Yeah, ten's fine. Nice, nice. Just tuck that roll into the top of your bathing suit. Perfect. Pull your shoulders back, it hides your man boobs. Cool.

Sunblock: Walk confidently up to the lifeguard chair and ask politely, "Will you lotion up my back please?" Undoubtedly, she'll comply, at which time you turn around and drop your bathing suit completely. God you're so clueless it's adorable.

Dive in: To the shallow end and crack your head open on the bottom of the pool. So. Pimp.

Wake up: In the guard shack, the hot lifeguard is standing over you as you open your eyes. You blink her blonde hair and enormous rack into focus. "My God," she says, "I thought you were dead." "I wouldn't leave this world knowing you were still in it," you say as you lean towards her lips.

Lose the bathing suits: You're having sex in the guard shack. Sunblock can double as lube, so ignore your mind numbing concussion for the next 20 minutes and do your thing.