Dear everyone that I hurt:
I’ve decided, after a lot of soul-searching and on the advice of my lawyer to send out this e-mail explaining myself and apologizing. Many of you know me personally from family reunions and America's Most Wanted, but for those who don’t, I’m the father of the “monster virus” that destroyed many of your computers and bankrupted several of you fiscally—sorry.
When I first envisioned the “monster virus,” trust me when I say it was never meant to be the global killing device it turned out to be. This means whoever sent it to Europe and Asia should feel really bad cause that was never part of stage 1 of the plan.
It was part of stage 3.
In many of your hate calls, you said I was a “loser,” "the scum of the earth,” "a bad lover," "a disappointing son” and one of your calls even threatened to go to a judge if I didn’t pay my alimony. I applaud your efforts. By making your voices sound so convincingly like a judge, my ex-girlfriend, and my mom you convinced me that I deserve this kind of creative rebuke. I wronged you all.
I am told that the “monster virus” caused over 300 million dollars of damage to innocent people. All I can say is “whoa.” That’s a lot of damage.
Many of you probably wonder, why did I do it? You say, “You probably had so many hot women and fast cars, why waste your time with a virus that gets you nothing?” Well, I have a confession to make, the truth is, I don’t have fast cars. I have the fastest car, the Batmobile.
Also, if any ladies are reading, let’s just say I have a certain “super power” that you might find very “stimulating.” I can fly. But mostly, I created the virus because it took my mind off my full-time job of eradicating cancer and feeding starving children.
It wouldn't be going too far to say that this is the fault of the starving children for being so time consuming and stressing me out all the time. You may ask, “You’ve never been to a third world country, what are you talking about?” Well, the children have been to me.
By this I mean I’ve prayed for them. The Judge says this isn’t enough to get me off the hook though. On this, we’ve agreed to disagree especially since sometimes, I pray so hard, my praying muscles get all sore and then I have to create viruses to calm down.
“Sorry” from San Quentin.