Current Mood:
Listening To: John Philip Sousa’s Greatest Hits

Today is the first day that I’m really excited to have a blog, because I get to share this moment with all of you: WELCOME, JERRY FALWELL! You have to understand – when a hypocritical, hate-mongering religious zealot dies, it’s the closest thing I have to Christmas down here.
When he first arrived, I had a six-goblin backing band improvise music to go with his screams of “No! This can’t be right! There’s been a mistake! Nooo!” We recorded the result as an album, and I’m going to force Jerry to listen to it nonstop while he performs abortions for the rest of eternity. Ha! If I had friends, drinks would be on me tonight.

I’ve been thinking of trying some stand-up. We have open mics every Friday, but I haven’t summoned up the courage to get up there. Attila The Hun absolutely killed last week, and he only writes jokes about how he died of a nosebleed. I’m working on a few bits. You ever notice how when they’re in total agony, people scream “Jesus Christ,” but I just get the relatively harmless “What the Devil?” I guess I don’t have a punch-line for that one yet. I also know that I def. want to talk about the DMV.

While we’re on the subject of religious extremists, let’s clear the air about something: Masturbate. Do it all the time. Masturbate sixteen times a day. I don’t care; I literally don’t care at all. Masturbate two other people while masturbating yourself. Masturbate at school, at work, on a train, in a plane, in a moat, with a goat – it’s not going to land you in Hell. 12 million people lied, cheated, stole, raped and murdered since I started writing this paragraph. If you want to open up a Cum Fiesta tab in your Firefox and pump your own gas, I can assure you that I won’t be watching. Well, I might be watching. But I won’t be judging.

I invented a game that’s been keeping me really entertained lately. Basically I sneak up to Heaven, find a completely innocent, moral person, and kidnap them and take them to Hell. It’s such a rush. I call it "Halo Poachin'," and me and some of the other guys are going to try to organize a league.

Finally, my curiosity’s getting the better of me, so I think I’m going to make Hell freeze over some time in the next couple of weeks. Not forever, just for like, a day or two – and then just sit back and watch the fireworks. U.S. President Dennis Kucinich will throw the first pitch at the World Series, which the Cubs will go on to win. Amber Peterson will “go out” with Hubert Moylesberg, and Marcus Parry of Union, NJ will finally watch American Idol. Then you’ll fit into those size 2 jeans and relax as Jay Leno delivers a clever monologue.