Dear Rachel,

I am terribly upset and must discuss something with you. It's regarding your new movie, The Last Kiss. I traveled across the border into Wisconsin to see this movie opening night after I heard it was written by Paul Haggis (from the gold that is Crash, Million Dollar Baby, and the Walker, Texas Ranger TV special). I was expecting great things.

Instead, I left the movie theatre very angry, depressed, and disappointed. Even though the subject matter of the movie itself made me want to immediately locate a noose, I did take some consolation in knowing that I saw your nipples when you were banging Zach Braff in one of the multiple sex scenes.

It was quite exhilarating as I thought that we just witnessed the young OC starlet baring her bosom in the honor of artistic filmmaking. It was also quite ironic, considering I just mentioned "OC" and "artistic filmmaking" in the same sentence.

But apparently you won't even let me have that.[picture:1708853|size=small]You see, I learned earlier today that you weren't naked in those scenes at all. Not even a little bit. You had a body double. Why would you do that, Rachel?!

Maybe think about someone other than yourself for once? Until then you are dead to me.

If you'd like to try to make up for my mental anguish, I will accept an in-person viewing of your breasts and/or an autographed headshot. Have your people call my people.

Sincerely,Jake Klocksien