Summertime has once again arrived in my little corner of America, the corner where people drive like dickheads (#3 in the country baby, love the Massholes) and no one knows how to use the letter "R" in a sentence. I know what you are thinking, BigSco, summer only last for 18 days in Massachusetts, how could you celebrate a season so fast? Well my friends, the fine people at Wham-o had given us something that would allow for hours of summertime fun. A piece of equipment that would account for hours of stories and tales, about triumphs and failures, about conquests and defeats, about champions and losers Crocodile Mile was that summertime fun piece, and it was glorious, until one fateful day in 2005.
Allow me to set the scene for you sitting in the Boro, it is another lovely day. For those of you not familiar with the area, in the Boro, it is always sunny and 75, it could be why people refer to it as paradise, but i am not sure what other people think, i am not a ind reader(you hear that ladies, i cannot read minds, so help a kid out once a while god damn it) Anyway, it is a little warmed than normal, i would estimate that it was sunny and 90.43 degrees. Some of the all-stars and myself were sitting around the house, enjoying the fine central ac my father had graciously had installed in the house, when we realized that we were wasting a perfectly good day. So we headed outside to see what we could do to pass the time. There, sitting in my garage was the greatest site anyone has ever seen. A relic, left over from the 90's, like Clinton jokes and Swatch Watches, a Crocdile Mile, in the box. The picture said it all, a little kid, flying down the track, heading for that hungry crocodile, how could we go wrong.
Cut to the backyard, we have the CrocMile fully rolled out and filled with water, the crocodile is up and ready to feast on some sliders. Again, I kno what you are thinking, "Sco, the crocodile mile is not for grown men." But I would argue with you that the box says it is recommended for ages 6 and up. Last time i checked, 24 was up from 6, so by the Wham-o companies logic, it would be fine for a bunch of drunk/out of shape/washed up fellas.
First couple runs go off pretty well, with some pretty good laughs at the speed in which 200 lbs gets down the track, a loat faster than when we were 12. Now it is my turn, and i want to set the land speed record for slipping and sliding. I start a good 50 yards away(bad idea, cannot hold a sprint for that long of a distance) and I take off. I flop onto my belly and shoot down the track at 35 mph's. Now I am sure you are all familiar with the commercial for this lovely toy. "You run, you slide, you hit the bump, and take a DIVE," quite a catchy tune if you ask me. So here i am, traveling at the speed of sound down a plastic run way, fully expecting to hit the bump, and take a dive into the waiting splash down pool this is where the whole operation goes the wayside. I run, i slide, i hit the bump .and i proceed to rip the pool away from the silde and continue down my lawn about 10 more yards, the whole time slightly drowning in the splashdown pool. Once i come to a complete halt, stop myself from drowning, and pick me head out of the splash pool, i look up at the all-stars, who are all falling over laughing, and I throw up the international sign for "What the Fuck just happened?" you know what i am talking about, two hands flung into the air, and the shocked look on my face. Not only was no one able to explain what happened, no one was able to breathe for 5 minutes.
The worst part is, i could see the headline in the newspaper the next day, if i did happen to drown my stupid ass:
Local Man Dies While Playing on the Crocodile Mile"
That is not a terrible headline, because it sound pretty fucking badass is you ask me. Some people would pick the paper up, see that headline, and think, "Damn, that kid was a crazy son of a bitch to be playing in the middle of a mile long stretch of crocodiles. What a set of balls on him." and you know what, i am all about that. The bad part would come after the people read that Crocodile Mile is a childrens toy, and I actually died because i drowned in 2 feet of standing water, that would kind of ruin my rep of being a badass.