Have you been feeling cheated by television recently? Where are the formulaic plots and slapstick humor of yesteryear? Well fear not boobtubers, these sure fire television shows that I have concocted will put an end to our cultural drought and bring us back to the safe comforting world of laugh tracks and simplicity. Enjoy.
Title: Six Pence None the Happier
Description: The band Six Pence None the Richer all move into a town house in Barton Idaho to take over the family farm. Complications arise when all but one of the male members of the band fall in love with Leigh Bingham Nash, the lead vocalist of the band. Oh and the other band member…is gay!
Tagline: “Remember the movie She’s All That? This isn’t it, but Freddie Prince Jr. might guest star in a future episode. Keep your fingers crossed.”
Starring: The band Six Pence None the Richer and Richard Karn (a.ka. Al Boreland from Home Improvement) as the wise old farmer next door and possibly a love interest for the gay guy.
Random Episode: Episode 4: The Tie That Binds. Six Pence opens for the 6th grade band at the local carnival and receive a standing ovation which leads to the band contemplating going on tour again. Thoughts of a revival are quickly erased when the 6th grade band receive an even greater reception. Also Al Boreland purchases a cat that may or may not be cursed.
Title: Ninja Nanny
Description: A college student takes the job as a nanny for an upper middle class family in order to obtain his bachelors degree in art history. He is also a ninja in his spare time.
Tagline: “Some people are nannies, some people are ninja’s, this fall James Van Deer Beek…is BOTH!”
Starring: James Van Deer Beek as the nanny/ninja, the twins from the Suite Life of Zach and Cody as the kids, Helen Hunt as the mom/love interest, and Christopher McDonald (aka Shooter Mcgavin from Happy Gilmore) as the mean spirited Dean who is also a super villain when he is not bogged down by the pressures of educating the youth of America.
Random Episode: Episode 8: Weird Science. James must help the twins with their science project and cook dinner for Hunt’s boss all while trying to find the time to disarm a nuclear bomb that Mcgavin has hidden on campus. The family also discusses buying a dog.
Title: The DT
Description: A rich son of an aristocrat is sent to jail for insider trading and abandoned by his parents. With nowhere to go and only a little over two hundred thousand dollars in his bank account he is taken in by his public defender who lives in Detroit Michigan.
Tagline: “Detroit can have prissy drama too assholes”
Starring: Jonathan Taylor Thomas as the rich but troubled teen, John Lithgow as the public defender with a soft spot for troubled teens, and William Zabka (aka Johnny from The Karate Kid) as the local bully, but only if he aged well, if he didn’t age well then Lil’ Bow Wow.
Random Episode: Episode 22: The Season Finale. John Lithgow beats Jonathan Taylor Thomas within an inch of his life when he realizes that he has more money than Lithgow has made over the past five years. Brooke Shields guest stars as the concerned social worker.
Title: That’s MY Hasselhoff
Description: After his messy divorce, David Hasselhoff is ready to release all of his Hasselawesomness on the female species. Ten ladies will get the chance to make this German songbird theirs in this new reality show from the producers of Flavor of Love and Step by Step.
Tagline: “Why be in love when you can be in HASSELUST! Patent Pending.”
Starring: David Hasselhoff and ten girls with very low self esteem and/or some daddy issues.
Random Episode: Episode 3: Beach Getaway. Hasselhoff takes his ladies on an afternoon romp on the beach. Things get awkward when nobody shows up to his scheduled autograph signing so he just runs in slow-motion for the next 18 minutes. It is the highest rated episode in basic cable history.
Title: George Foreman Presents the Classics
Description: Watch former Academy Award winning movies with former heavyweight champion and grilling guru George Foreman while he gives you cinematic insight and cooking tips during the boring parts.
Tagline: “Foreman delivers a knock out punch and serves up some delicious hilarity…get it because he was a boxer and because of The George Foreman Grill. It’s my first day on the job, please laugh.”
Starring: George Foreman with special appearances from C-D list celebrities and his dog, Pork Chop.
Random Episode: Episode 5: Watching Shakespeare in Love with Kathy Griffin. The show gets off to an awkward start when Kathy Griffin goes on a 15 minute diatribe about how she once met Celine Dion at an airport and George Foreman remarks that Ben Affleck looks like a “fruit”. There is a 15 minute pause in the dialogue where the viewers are led to believe that Foreman and Griffin are making out. The show is immediately pulled and replaced with reruns of Empty Nest.
Title: Gay City
Description: Tired of being discriminated against in their upper middle class towns, a group of gay residents decide to form their own city exclusively for homosexuals.
Tagline: “Come visit Gay City you’ll have a gay old time”
Starring: John Goodman as the big gay mayor, T.R. Knight and Neil Patrick Harris as The Gay City detectives, Rosie O’ Donnell as the gym teacher, and Isaiah Washington as the evil heterosexual mayor of the town next door.
Random Episode: Episode 13: The Unintentional Series Finale. Gay City is forced to shut down production when they get a cease and desist order from San Francisco for copyright infringement.
Title: Full House 2007
Description: A modern day version of the 90’s classic upgraded with a sassy black neighbor, a moody nanny, and the Kimmy Gibbler character replaced by a stripper with a heart of gold.
Tagline: “What ever happened to predictability? It’s been replaced by hilarity!”
Starring: The original cast, (minus Mr. Woodchuck who sadly passed away from a wood overdose) Steve Urkle’s son as the sassy black kid, (if Urkel doesn’t have a son then Tyler from Hanging with Mr. Cooper or Aaron Carter) Rue McClanahan as the Moody Nanny, and Brittany Murphy as the Stripper with a heart of gold.
Random Episode: Episode 6: My Mother the Stripper. It’s bring your daughter to work day at the strip club so Murphy, with no other options, lies to Danny and brings Stephanie with her to work. Stephanie at first feels uncomfortable then learns a valuable lesson about self worth, and also makes 200 dollars. Urkel Jr./Tyler/Aaron Carter finds a bullfrog and names him Hoppy…hilarity ensues.
Title: The Real World: Palm Beach Florida
Description: The Real World once again reinvents reality television by finding out what happens when seven 65 years or older strangers stop being polite and start getting real… at a local retirement community.
Tagline: “After their 4:30 dinner and before their 7:00 bedtime showing of Wheel of Fortune lies a time of youthful exuberance and sexual reawakening…or nap time.
Starring: 7 old people
Random Episode: Episode 6: Nausea. After Gladus finds Bernard cheating with Phyllis in the hot tub she decides to get even by stripping in the activities lounge. Bernard tries to intervene but is too late when Gladus has to be rushed to the infirmary for indulging in one to many prunejuicetinis.
Title: Burger Baron
Description: Convinced that his 18 year old son is not quite ready to be the new King of Burgers James “Burger Baron” Masters sends the successor to his burger throne to manage his least profitable operation…in Juneau Alaska.
Tagline: “Burgers, cold weather, and nobility…Fox has still got it”
Starring: Mr. Carosi (Manager of the Malibu Sands Beach Resort on Saved by the Bell) as the King of Burgers, Jason Biggs as the heir to the Burger Throne, Yakov Smirnov as the crazy but wise Alaskan Burger Manager, and Bea Arthur as the hard nosed burger expert who’s seen it all.
Random Episode: Episode 7: A Burger By Any Other Name. The local burger competitor challenges The Burger Baron team to a sled dog race where the losers have to clean the winner’s burger joint. Also sparks fly when Bea Arthur and Jason Biggs accidentally get locked in the storage closet and the King gets angry when he can’t find any scepters at the local mall resulting in a laughed filled feud with Walmart.
Title: Me Llamo Hockey
Description: After a drunk-driving conviction a tough as nails lawyer gets sentenced to coach a down on their luck intramural hockey team…of migrant workers.
Tagline: “He taught them about hockey; they taught him about tending the fields for 18 hours a day for white people, together they learned about life… and then made mojitos"
Starring: Joshua Jackson (of Dawson's Creek and The Mighty Ducks fame) as the down on his luck attorney, six illegal migrant workers willing to work for scale as the migrant hockey team, and the dad from The Wonder Years as The tough as nails judge.
Random Episode: Episode 12: Cat Got Your Tongue? After accidentally reading Manuel’s diary, Jackson learns that his goalies dream was to attend law school. Jackson decides to try to give him advice but fails when he realizes he doesn’t speak Spanish. The team prepares for its regular season finale against the bad boys of the intramural hockey league, THE RUSSIANS…aka Buck’s Car Wash.
Look for these shows during the 2007 Fall season, or never. Probably never.