Ethan: Big news of the week wasn't even a game; it was the draft lottery last night. What's the over/under on number of lottery-related suicides in Boston last night?
Amir: Why is everybody starting to pity Boston? What about Memphis? I think the Grizzlies are an even sadder story. They have the worst record, no other sports teams and no history to be nostalgic about.
Ethan: What about that time Bryant Reeves blocked a shot in Vancouver?
Amir: That is kinda like winning 16 championships. "Anthony steals it! Greg Anthony steals the ball! Anthony stole the ball!" How much "NBA LOTTERY ISN'T FAIR!" talks are we going to hear because of this?
Ethan: Too much. I think it's kind of great that nobody got rewarded for tanking. Plus, sending the two biggest stars since Lebron and Carmelo to the basketball hotbed of the Pacific Northwest means the draft definitely isn't rigged. The real winner here is the people who run organic markets in Portland: Greg Oden is going to eat so much of your food.
Amir: Or possibly just devour Martell Webster. It's hard to tell at this point.
Ethan: Does Oden immediately put the Blazers in the playoffs?
Amir: No, but that doesn't mean the future isn't bright. They had a 5% chance at Oden and they nailed it. That's like hitting a one outer on the river.
Ethan: One time, dealer!
Amir: But its not just about winning games, it's about selling tickets. Oden/Roy/Aldridge with Randolph may not win games, but it'll be worth watching.
Ethan: Would the Blazers get out from under Joel Przybilla's contract if he died? Because I can't put murder past Zach Randolph. Although who knows? Maybe they like paying a guy who averaged two and four five million a year. That's one million for every consecutive consonant to start his name!
Amir: A single double is nothing to scoff at.
Ethan: I think it's a double single
Amir: Either way, what do you do if you are Atlanta, Memphis, and Boston?
Ethan: If you're Memphis, I think you just fold the franchise. Seriously, are they going to break 40 wins any time soon in the West? Does anyone care about basketball in Memphis? Think of all the sweet ribs you could trade the franchise for.
Amir: I want my baby back baby back baby back. (Baby = Shane Battier)
Ethan: Boston is just funny. They put all their eggs in this basket and convinced themselves "We're due! We gotta get Oden or Durant! We DESERVE him." Great call. Now Doc Rivers has an extension, they'll get a very good player at 5, maybe one of the Florida guys, and they'll continue to be mediocre. Man, these guys are hurting for a Dino Radja right now, and that's saying something.
Amir: And to make matters worse, there is breaking news out of DC that Hibbert is staying at Georgetown. To tall to swim in this deep talent pool, Roy?
Ethan: The NBA won't let him play in his t-shirt, and you know a fat kid never goes in a pool without a shirt on. It's a fool-proof coverup. No one will notice your boy boobs if they're covered by a sopping-wet t-shirt.
Amir: Wet T-Shirt contests never felt so wrong.
Ethan: True or false: Spurs-Jazz could be the least exciting conference finals of all time.
Amir: Spurs-Anybody is the least exciting conference finals of all time. Pistons-Anybody is the same. Which is why Spurs-Pistons will probably the worst thing that happens to the NBA since Stephen Jackson murders nine people later this summer. Just wait for it. It's coming.
Ethan: Could be worse; the NBA could be the NFL, having to backpedal for Clinton Portis' dogfighting comments. I know Clinton is eccentric, but his defense of Michael Vick borders on insane, right?
Amir: Clinton was just keepin' it real in front of local reporters. Dog fightin' aint shit where he's from. If you grew up watching goats stabbing horses in the back roads of Mississippi you would be a little jaded by some good ole fashion dog fighting too!
Ethan: I like the logic of "It's his property, he can do whatever the hell he wants." Portis' law-school professors must be cringing right now. I hope he uses the same precedent to turn his own back yard into a range where he hunts the most dangerous game of all: man. Or the second-most-dangerous game of all: Connect Four.
Amir: Go for it, Clinton! I bet Ladell Bettes is keeping his mouth shut.
Ethan: Hmmmm baseball Sox beat the Yankees last night, which should be some comfort to the people of New England following the lottery. How great is it to see Julian Tavarez get a win? It's inspiring to every lunatic who looks like Freddy Krueger. Think the Yanks will void Giambi's contract?
Amir: I sure hope not. Giambi is so wet and red and that's when he's happy! Imagine what would happen if you got him angry? I assume it would consist of him eating a bat like a corn on the cob.
Ethan: He's like a hippo who just had water dumped on him by a zookeeper. If he starts hitting again, all will be forgiven. If Jason Giambi has entered the Jeremy Giambi phase of his career then, well, God help him. He'll still be a contender in the World's Sweatiest Man contest, which runs in the middle of the night on ESPN2.
Amir: Right after worlds strongest man and RPM2NITE Reruns.
Ethan: Okay, got an interesting fact of the week for us?
Amir: Here's an interesting fact that may explain why Giambi is so angry all the time. He's been hit by a pitch 127 times in his career. Best part is, 8 of those times was by his former teammate David Wells, who he's only faced 30 times!
Ethan: Well, that's one way to spike your OBP. To be fair, I bet those two had some epic clashes in the clubhouse over who got the last sandwich.
Amir: Until next week, don't kill yourself Celtics fans Delonte West is turning into an all star right before your very eyes, and Ryan Gomes sure does play well
Ethan: And maybe Sebastian Telfair will straighten it out or something I smell a title in 2008! Or just say, "Shit, it doesn't matter. The Sox and Pats are so good, I don't even care." We all believe you. Really. We do.
Ethan: Now please, stop crying.
Amir and Ethan would like to remind you to read Carl Pavano's Blog: DiceGay.com. He totally owns.