Happy Memorial Day weekend, everybody! Or should I say, "Happy Go Get Hammered At A Random BBQ and Totes Get Laid" weekend. Let's do it, guys! Pick up a six/twelve/twenty-four pack of Miller Lite, dump some dogs on the grill and throw down some gossip to woo the hotties. Let's get to it.

Here's a big shocker: Lindsay Lohan is allegedly a kick-ass lay. The potential downside to boning Firecrotch? She's a screamer. Lastest f-buddy Calum Best has spread the word that LiLo "likes her sex rough." As rough as her sh*teous career? [Sources: WWTDD, PerezHilton]

Lindsay's not just hardcore when it comes to getting her freak on, she's crazy when she gets her thief on too. Earlier this spring former-friend Lauren Hastings accused the Mean Girl of stealing over $10, 000 worth of clothes from her house. After filing a police report, Hastings was apparently bombarded with a bunch of cruel Blackberry messages from the red-haired robber and her skinny clique-mates. Finally, photo proof has surfaced! [Source/Photos: ONTD]

Our new favorite diss? BLOW A HORN! That's some mean shit! If only we knew what it meant…

Hey, you know what you should never do? GET ENGAGED. When you're TWENTY-ONE. To your DOUCHEBAG BOYFRIEND. But…if you're going to do it, do it in a hot bikini! [Source/Photo: Egotastic, HollywoodTuna]

Some D-Bag paid $350,000 at a celebrity auction to win a kiss from George Clooney. The winner also got a Mediterranean cruise, but still, who coughs up that much dough to let his girlfriend cheat on him with the hottest old dude in America? And more importantly, how can I date him? [Source: CelebSlam]

Jailbird-to-be Paris Hilton is trying to turn her cracked-out party girl image around,
and was photographed this week nipping out while lugging around some self-help book entitled "The Power Of Now" and The Bible. Apparently Psalms 23:10 REALLY turns her on. [Sources/Photo: Egotastic, DListed]

The world's richest toothpick, Mary-Kate Olsen is stepping back into the small screen, co-starring in the next season of Showtime's hit show Weeds. The uglier twin will be playing a devout Christian girl and is set to appear in ten of the season's fifteen episodes. Nine of those will involve people confusing her legs for joints. [Source: NinjaDude/Photo: IDLYITW]

Maybe Mischa Barton should have gotten that role on Weeds instead of Mary-Kate. It's a good thing she quit The OC to go get stoned all over the world. Here she is on some yacht in Cannes, gettin' spliffy with it:

[Source/photo: NinjaDude]

Too high to set your TiVo this week? Here's what you missed:

Jack grows a beard and goes crazy in the future. Charlie drowns for the sake of his friends. We're still Lost as to what the fuck is going on.
Rosie yells at Elisabeth! Elisabeth yells at Rosie! Our ears hurt.
American voted – Jordin Sparks is a less mediocre singer than the beatboxer. Now people are saying she's too fat to be our Idol – and it's not Simon talking this time!
The Bachelor picked Tessa to be his wife! The other one cried. And no one cares!
Olympic speed skater Apolo Ohno won Dancing With The Stars on Tuesday! If anyone asks, you DO NOT know this.
[Sources: PaulScheer/DListed/IDLYITW/Reality TV World/ABCNews]

I'm off to get stoned and eat fifteen burgers. Happy Barbeque-ing!- Kate