Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '07
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, latex would be it. The long term benefits of being STD free have been proved by scientists where as the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own drunken experience I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy your years in college and try to attend a class or two. Oh never mind, you will disregard this advice in lieu of drinking 3 or 4 cases of beer, polishing off a handle of Skoal vodka and passing out nude on the front lawn of the local brothel. But trust me, in 5 years when you're working in an office you'll look back and think "I'm not too old to go back, am I?" but also, that you could have learned more.
Don't worry about the future, remember that the average american makes less than the average american garbage man, and that success is rarely measured by how many dolce and gabbana shirts you have in your closet. If your parents are rich, or own a company of some sort, make a sex tape, you'll never work again.
Never buy a girl a drink. She's probably done this 3 or 4 times already, and even if she is wasted, her big fat best friend (B Fsquared)is going to throw her over that meaty shoulder and carry her back to the dorms. No matter what, you will realize that you wasted that money, and that it would have been free to walk up and say "Hi, I'm Brad Pitt."
Never watch more than 1 Kevin Costner movie in a row. It will make you hate them all and when you tell your friends they will throw Field of Dreams in your face and you'll begrudgingly admit "Yes, that was a good movie."
Tan, even if you are a man but never let women see you tan.
Never pop your collar.
Let your hair grow long but keep your pubes short.
If you have a roommate, be sure to keep them guessing. Replace their towel with magazines. Set traps around the apartment, nothing lethal, but just things that are embarrassing, like a squirt gun mounted at crotch level.
Do push-ups first thing in the morning. Not for your physique, but because Chuck Norris likes a challenge.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't what ever you do, know that Jack Bauer has not only done it, but has alsosaved the world, dealt with insubordination, saved his job, and allin a fraction of the realtimeevents that have unfolded in your life.
Try anything twice.
Remember that your parents are just people too, and that when they were your age they did a lot of the same stuff, only with bigger bushes and many more kegs.
Remind your younger siblings that no matter what age you are when they go to college, you will visit them and sleep with their friends.
Live in the dorms once, but leave before they find out that you are the masturbating clown who pulls the fire alarm every Monday and waits outside to show everyone his "juggling" act.
Pay for pornography. Steal music.
If given the opportunity, always sleep with your teachers.
Sleep with as manypeople as possible because one day you'll look back and realize you don't need all the porn you paid for, but rather you can flip through your rolodex of sexcapades to achieve the same effect.
But trust me on the latex