Online dating has recently become a popular phenomenon in this country, being used by many notable figures including the people from those ads and my dad. After all, what could be easier than finding love on the internet? As a disease-free 18 year-old male who appreciates fine dining, I felt like I could get into the game as well. What I found is that I was looking for love in all the wrong places, and that everyone over the age of 30 online is desperate and everyone under the age of 30 are all whores. Here’s a rundown of the sites I tried and my subsequent failures:

Eharmony- Subliminally etched into my mind from the hours of ESPN News I watch everyday, I vaguely remembered something about a “free personality test” that they offer. I could afford free, so I decided to try it out. What it is is the most impersonal and time consuming survey possible. It’s like being on a date and asking the girl “Hey, on a scale of one to seven, how open to experience are you?” “Four? We’re through!” The worst part is that once I finished the damn thing, it told me that I wasn’t compatible, and that about 1 in 5 people are not compatible with their service. What?!? So that means that I’m not even normal enough to do online dating. Great. Couldn’t they just match all 20% of these people together? F*ck this.

Lavalife- The immediate appeal of this site is that it’s free. Of course, that’s the only appeal. If you actually want to meet real people though, it’s going to cost you. I only learned one thing from this site, and that is that slutty women can’t spell. Oh, and that lavalife sucks. Two things.

Craigslist- Yes, the place where you picked up just about all of your furniture also has personal ads, and they are oftentimes hilarious. Craigslist has no standards whatsoever, allowing many great pitches such as “Looking For Andy Pettite Clone…Preferably Original – 39” A lot of these people would do much better putting themselves under the free section.

So after all was said and done, I didn’t actually meet anyone out of these sites, but any date created by a computer would most likely be disastrous. Maybe there isn’t much hope for a guy who generally thinks They Might Be Giants is a great band and has signed at least 30 online petitions to get Arrested Development back on air. I think I’ll just stick to getting girls like they did in the old days; phone-line dating. – Jesse