Nine-time winner at the prestigious 105%y awards.

Worst Romantic Comedy Taglines
"What do you do when you get your imaginary friend pregnant?"
"How do you propose to a girl with no fingers?"
"When everything was against them, Sacco and Vanzetti only had each other."
"She's a plumber, he sh*ts all the time."
Nerd Stand Up
Hey, you know what I don't get? Laid.
The Foresighted High School Girlfriend
I'm sorry, I can't do this. I'm saving myself for a drunken one-night stand.
Spam Success Stories
"Hey, my old college pal Obija Henssin sent me an email! I wonder what that guy is up to these days? Good deal on Cialis, huh?…"
An alcoholic is someone who can't control their drinking. I can control my drinking, just not the puking, text messaging, and purchases from online sex stores afterwards.
I love when people use words so obscure, the first result from Googling them is the dictionary. I find it enervating.
Questionairre at an Unqualified Proctologist's Office
After you wipe your ass, and you look at it, does it look like
a) You drew on a wad of toilet paper with a tan colored pencil
b) You drew on a wad of toilet paper with a brown marker
c) You melted an entire burnt siena crayon onto toilet paper?
If the military hates gay people so much, then why are they always
decorating their soldiers?
When I was a kid I fell face-first in the dirt and was like "Mom, I've got all this fucking dirt in my mouth."
She said she was gonna wash my mouth out with soap.
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