Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Sober Me has a Sit Down Talk with Drunk Me
May 31, 2007
(Drunk me stumbles into an upstairs bedroom where sober me is waiting)
: Hey, you’re not Kasey.
: It’s Katie actually, but yea, I asked her to tell you to meet her upstairs because I couldn’t get you up here otherwise. Listen, we need to talk.
: Talk, man? There is a freakin sweet party downstairs. Don’t say anything but I think I am supposed to be meeting up with that Kelly chick later, she totally wants to
(DM performs a couple hip thrusts)
(DM goes for the high five but is left hanging; he looks incredibly hurt)
: No, Katie is not interested, it’s only me. Look man, every time you go out in public you end up doing a couple of things that make me look bad. It’s like everything positive I do you reciprocate with a negative.
: Whater you talkin ‘bout man?
: Like with Katie. We had a nice night going out to dinner and a movie last Wednesday but then on Friday you called her a bitch for taking your keys and almost ruined everything.
: Yea, but you apologized for that. Tell the bitch to chill yo, like, I was drunk.
: Exactly! I apologized. And don’t tell her to chill because you were drunk. You are always drunk!
: Buzz kill! Hey man, some of the guys were talking about headin down to some bars man, wanna go.
: The bars? No I don’t want to go to the bars. That’s another thing. When was the last time you had a job. I work my ass off for my money and then you go out to the bars and I wake up with an empty wallet.
: You’re right man. Tonight, drinks are on me.
: No they’re not. You are using my money. And stop using my cell phone as well. You’re no longer allowed to call or text message anyone. If I wake up with a tear stained pillow and thirty pathetic text messages to my ex again I am disconnecting our cell phone.
: I think somebody is in denial.
: No I am not; I am just tired of everyone thinking I am a jackass. You are the jackass and I get blamed for it.
: So, like, whater you saying. Are you going to quit drinking?
(SM sits debating)
: Alright, you win. Here is some extra cash for the bar.
: I love you man. Seriously dude, seriously.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.