My first article posted on CH was basically a poacher's guide to the jungle of lesbians one encounters in college. On a similar note, it's difficult to judge who'd be the best target for the evening. A guide to refer to for such evenings is my "welcome back to school, sluts" gift to you all: a guide to super drunk girls.[picture:1705394|size=small]

Perpetualus-Purse-Lostis: Probably the easiest to pick out, PPL's are usually found near the end of an evening, staggering around looking for the nearest warm body to grope. She earns her namesake by slurring "Where's my purse? You guyyysss, seriously, where's my fucking purse?" every other sentence. Where could it be? Who knows. The foolish think helping her in the quest for the bag might improve their chances with her, but they finish the evening covered in puke. Honestly, if someone is too drunk that they can't remember where they put down a bag an hour ago, any sexual interaction will be not worth the trouble of the search.

Cockhungria Majorus:This little gem probably started out her night by announcing her lack of sexual stimulation to her friends (who don't care in the first place, and probably just wanted to tell her to get a vibrator). Now fueled by the duel aphrodisiac and truth serum-like powers of alcohol, she's telling anyone about how long it's been since she's gotten laid, and how tonight is the night she ends her dry spell. She might seem like a guarantee (honest, obviously consenting), but you forget that there had to be a reason she didn't get laid in so long. If anything, at least end your interaction with "No no, I'll call you."

Emotionalus Extrema:Most likely spotted about to cry or doing so on the phone with exes, family members, or everyone she ever knew from high school, the general consensus is to avoid these girls. They're too wrapped up in depressing emotions to be able to have fun with, right? Hellllls no. While everyone does hate the girl who cries all the time when she's drunk, the point of bonding while someone's emotional is quite the easy in. I'm gonna go ahead and quote myself to say "Sympathy is a dirty, easy aphrodisiac."

Constantlia-Boredus:Apparently someone told this specimen at some point that the way to attract people is to look entirely disinterested. Even if it's her favorite song, she's surrounded by her favorite people, and she's having a great hair day, she'll look like Kate Moss during an economics lecture. For some reason, she thinks the "I couldn't give a fuck less," look is really hot, and what's even weirder, people seem to enjoy it. Where those people make their mistake is in the assumption that she's too smart or too cool to be having fun, when she's probably either too drunk to be energetic, or too stupid to figure out where she is. Bad news bears all around.

Suddenhearing-LostisSometimes intersecting with the Perpetualus-Purse-Lostis, SL's are the girls who, in compensating for their hearing loss, decide everything must be shouted. Their voices carry over the night sky, proclaiming embarrassing secrets, their true feelings about the people around them, and most often "Whaaa?? OH hahahaha" at shit that simply isn't funny. Their sudden drop in coordination suggests some sort of marionette-effect along with the hearing loss, as they drape themselves across whoever they can. You could probably sleep with her, but she'd be loud as hell, and probably wouldn't hear such vital sentences as "you're on my throat."

So wrap it up everytime, kiddos, because only you can prevent forest fires and STDs.