Fact: Hockey sucks.
Unless you have an unnatural attachment to the Versus network and are, in fact, Canadian, you already knew that. But there is hope, sports fans. I have compiled a list of ten easy changes to finally make hockey seem less like the love child of soccer and the Ice Capades, and more like the bone crunching, assrocking sport we all hoped it could be.
1) Change the name of all hockey venues from "Ice Rinks" to "Thunderdomes".
2) Play circa 1993 Jock Jams-esque mix tapes at ALL TIMES during games to remind fans that this sport is "Unbelievable" and "2 Legit 2 Quit".
3) WNHL. This is the one sport that truly lends itself to a women's league. The only thing better than a cat fight is a cat fight on a less than stable surface with weapons.
4) Adopt MTVRock 'n Jock rules. Add multi point goals, dance contests, and celebrity players like Tom Arnold and Vivica A. Fox. Dan Cortez must referee every game.
5) Distribute psychadelic drugs throughout the crowd. Follow hockey game with a laser-light show set to the tune of "Rock You Like A Hurricaine"
6) Every team MUST have one half-man, half robot player on the roster. These players are forced to battle on the open ice in between periods for our amusement. Winning team of each fight gets a goal.
8) Replace pads with medieval armor. One player per team rides an ice skate-wearing horse.
9) Make Emilio Esteves coach of the Ducks. Legally change his name to "Gordon Bombay".Reanimate Lane Smith.Makehim coach of some other team no one cares about, (Thrashers?)and legally change his name to "Jack Reilly". Their teams play in the Stanley Cup every year, regardless of win/loss records.
10) Replace ice with grass. Replace goals with endzones. Replace puck with football. Replace sticks with flamethrowers.