Dear Mr. Johnson,
The following is a formal apology in reference to the conversation you overheard from the break room. While it was not my intention for you to hear about the online exploits I was relaying to my fellow interns, I feel that you may have not gotten the full picture.
I now realize that, by odd coincidence, it was your thirteen year-old son I happened to play against in Halo 2 last night. I implore you to believe me when I say I had no clue your wonderful boy was a central part of the story when I was recounting it.
Yes, I will admit that my Xbox live name is M0uthR4pist. However, I believe your son interpreted it wrong when he said it was offensive. It actually is an abbreviation for Mark, Zero Understanding Towards Haters Rallying 4 (for) People Intolerantly Snickering Today. While it may have SEEMED to your astute son that I had proclaimed myself someone who enjoyed forcing oral sex, this is just an unfortunate mishap. I chose the name based upon my distaste for haters rallying for people intolerantly snickering (I suggest you Google this rapidly growing problem), and when your son called me out on my name, I became slightly upset.
Now, I will admit I did tell him to shut up. The second half of my reply may have been misinterpreted. When I said “Shut up, you lazy-eyed cow fucker”, I meant it in a complimentary sense. In medieval tales, the wisest characters often had a physical disfigurement. I had simply assumed your son was a modern day version of these classic sages. And while it may seem that I insinuated your strapping young man sodomized our bovine friends, I simply was stating that I could tell he had compassion for animals. I attend school in State College, where livestock is highly valued. I am wholly sorry for telling your son to shut up (we all lose control sometimes), but I do believe my other comments were misinterpreted.
Contrary to your account, I considered my behavior during the rest of the game to be quite appropriate. While it may look like after each time I killed your son’s character I proceeded to participate in an act known as “tea bagging” by repeatedly pressing the crouch button over your son’s characters’ corpse, I was actually kneeling at the body to signify his adept playing ability. I assure you, I was in no way miming the act of dipping one’s scrotum into another’s mouth over and over again.
Lastly, I feel my comments in the post game lobby were taken in the wrong context. I will openly admit, I remarked “Take that, you Tampon-eating cock biters”, and added “we beat you so bad I might have to come over there and ass-rape the n00b out of you.” But what your son regrettably didn’t hear was the continuation of my discourse, which, of course, was “…Wouldn’t that be a jerk thing to say? Good game you guys, I’d really like to play again in the future. I truly believe we made a connection.”
So you see, Sir, what you may have interpreted as a demonstration of gross misconduct inappropriate for even inner-city orphans raised by drug dealers and sewer rats is actually a series of coincidentally misinterpreted flukes. I hope we have an understanding that I in no way was insulting you, your esteemed company, or your family.
P.S: Please, please for the love of God, don’t fire me. I need this internship more than Ethiopians need food.
P.P.S: That last comment was not intended to be offensive in any way, and was merely a public service announcement meant to raise awareness about the suffering of our fellow man abroad.