RABBI: And now, young Jesus Schwartzenberg, you have become a man.
JESUS: Yeah, about that. I, uh…I'm actually only half man.
RABBI: What?
JESUS: I'm kind of uh…the uh…son of God…or something.
Gasps from templegoers
JESUS: No big deal, really.
JOSEPH: Jesus what are you doing? You're embarrassing us! And after you sung your haftorah so beautifully!
JESUS: Embarrasing you? Dad, you're a carpenter for mysake!
MARY: Oh Jesus, please just keep you're mouth shut and listen to what the Rabbi has to say.
JESUS: Oh look the virgin wants to get in on the action!
JOSEPH: Don't talk to your mother like that!
JESUS:You're defending her? After she ran around on you? Immaculate conception, huh? That was an easy sell ma. I guess dad's not too swift.
RABBI: Perhaps everyone would like to join us for a little nosh sponsored by the Schwartzenbergs followed by a reception at the…
JESUS: No, you know what? There's not going to be any reception.
RABBI: What?
JESUS: I said I didn't want a party! Just a luncheon. I said I didn't want gifts and that instead everyone could make charitable donations to my Leper Foundation, but no. No one listens to little Jesus Schwartzenberg.
RABBI: Really, Jesus. There's lox and bagels and tunasalad in there. Even the scallion cream cheese you like so much. It's a great schmear.
JESUS: I should go.
Jesus walks out, congregants still staring silently at the Rabbi and Jesus' parents, mouths agape.
RABBI: Next week we'll be celebrating the Bar Mitzvah of Judas Weinstein, whose parents Jodi and Mel will be holding a reception at the Nazareth Men's Club. I'm told his theme will be the story of Julius Caesar.