Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Awkward Moments in History: Jesus' Bar Mitzvah
June 5, 2007
: And now, young Jesus Schwartzenberg, you have become a man.
: Yeah, about that. I, uh I'm actually only half man.
: I'm kind of uh the uh son of God or something.
Gasps from templegoers
: No big deal, really.
: Jesus what are you doing? You're embarrassing us! And after you sung your haftorah so beautifully!
: Embarrasing you? Dad, you're a carpenter for mysake!
: Oh Jesus, please just keep you're mouth shut and listen to what the Rabbi has to say.
: Oh look the virgin wants to get in on the action!
: Don't talk to your mother like that!
:You're defending her? After she ran around on you? Immaculate conception, huh? That was an easy sell ma. I guess dad's not too swift.
: Perhaps everyone would like to join us for a little nosh sponsored by the Schwartzenbergs followed by a reception at the
: No, you know what? There's not going to be any reception.
: I said I didn't want a party! Just a luncheon. I said I didn't want gifts and that instead everyone could make charitable donations to my Leper Foundation, but no. No one listens to little Jesus Schwartzenberg.
: Really, Jesus. There's lox and bagels and tunasalad in there. Even the scallion cream cheese you like so much. It's a great schmear.
: I should go.
Jesus walks out, congregants still staring silently at the Rabbi and Jesus' parents, mouths agape.
: Next week we'll be celebrating the Bar Mitzvah of Judas Weinstein, whose parents Jodi and Mel will be holding a reception at the Nazareth Men's Club. I'm told his theme will be the story of Julius Caesar.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.