The Miami Heat: Team names should never be singular. Because then how do you refer to a single member of the team, a Heat, a Hot? That would be ridiculous, you have to say "a Heat player" or "a member of the Heat". That is waaaaay too many words for me. I could be using the time it takes to say "player" to say "poop" at least twice. My suggestion: The Miami Flamers, it still keeps the same heat theme and also appeals to Miami's thriving gay population.

The Los Angeles Lakers: I'm no geography doctor, but I don't think that Los Angeles is known for it's abundance of lakes. I know they used to be the Minneapolis Lakers (which makes more sense), but it's been 47 years, Lakers. Get with the times. The Houston Oilers change their name to the Titans when they moved to Tennessee, because Tennessee isn't known for its oil, and the Cleveland Browns changed their name to the Ravens when they moved to Baltimore, because Baltimore isn't known for being a giant pile of shit. With this attitude, if LA ever gets a football franchise, we'll be watching the Los Angeles Texans. My suggestion: The LA Implants, much more fitting to what the city holds near and dear to its heart (pun intended).

The Utah Jazz: Whoa! Two crimes in one name. Not only is it singular, but I don't think that Salt Lake City is known for its thriving jazz scene (New Orleans, where they moved from in 1979, is). Mormons aren't even allowed to play music, are they? My suggestion: get the fuck out of Utah!

The Buffalo Bills: This is the one that bothers me most. What is a Bill? Well it's a person named Bill. Buffalo Bill to be exact. According to Wikipedia, the Buffalo Bills are named after "Buffalo" Bill Cody, not Buffalo Bill, the serial killer from Silence of the Lambs (although the latter would instill more fear in opponents). And he wasn't even from Buffalo (he was from Iowa). This also bothers me because you can't have a nickname that is an actual name? Is it a bunch of guys named Bill? No, their mascot is a Buffalo! Your mascot can't be the name of your city! You're confusing everyone! My Suggestion: The Buffalo Bison.

The New York Knicks: "Knicks" is short for knickerbockers. What the FUCK is a knickerbocker?! My suggestion: The New York Nick.