Hello my miniscule counterparts.I come to you today from the land of 5’7” and taller.Do not be ashamed of your tinyness. You are a blessing to this overgrown earth and its average height inhabitants.Take life by the balls; because the idea of you jumping for the horns only makes the rest of us laugh that much harder.Face it, you’re closer to the ground than the rest of us.When you fall we can only think of babies and penguins, especially when you do that pissed off running/hyper-waddling thing.Sure you have trouble fixing that smoking ceiling fan, but I’ll be damned if I have to try squeezing into hobbit-sized crawl spaces to fight off mutant rats in my basement.
As for those of us “monstrosities” who constantly berate and use you for a quick game of soccer stand up to them.No, seriously stand up.Oh, well get a stool.If they come at you with their jokes and attempts to employ your head as an arm-rest, do what comes naturally.Go for the fuckers’ kneecaps.Forget the one-punch knockout, you’re already so damn nimble you just have to dodge the legs a little and you’re home free ordering up a shank right to their PCL.Too violent?!? Do you enjoy your new position staring down belly button lint?Didn’t think so, attack!
I don’t want to hear another complaint about problems in the bedroom either.For fuck’s sake, you’re the perfect height to run smack-dab into that fabled valley of fluff.Getting down to business in the lower levels isn’t so hard for you either.Now constructing the proper lift equipment to make it to the sheets I can understand, but nothing a little Tool Time couldn’t fix right away.And for the ladies, hell you’re perfect height too.That and we love the fact that you’re so easy to pick up and transport around the room.Remember my own mom’s at least 2 feet shorter than my dad and they obviously figured it out.
So lift your heads high enough that we can see them.Be proud of your mighty mininess.So you can’t ride my favorite rollercoasters or see above the dash with out Britanica volumes 1 through 6 and a minor dignity sacrifice.But you look great flying out of those circus cannons and don’t have to worry about crushing vertebrae for the sake of low-hanging objects.We salute you vertically challenged munchkin men.We only rest on you because we too wish we could scale those grocery displays and remind everyone else of that awe-inspiring action sequence in King-Kong.