Moderator: I’m BACK. That’s me, Wolf Blitzer. My name sounds like a Star Fox character!
Moderator: I’ve got this hot-ass blond helping me ask questions tonight. These crusty white guys, too. They’re the norm in American politics. There’s no real time limit on responses, but like the Democratic Debate I’ll let the guys with the most money get the most time because that’s fair and democratic and all. Now let’s meet the candidates!
Tom Tancredo: I’m Tom Tancredo and I hate Mexicans.
Tommy Thompson: I can’t act.
Brownback: I’m a farm boy and I love Jesus.
Romney: I’m the Mormon
Giuliani: Live free or die. I guess you all should die.
McCain: I love America; she has a nice ass.
Huckabee: I’m from Hope. I’ll give you hope.
Hunter: I hate Mexicans more than Tancredo; Chinamen, too.
Gilmore: I have a lot of credentials
Paul: I love the Constitution.
Moderator guy: Iraq sucks. Would you have still bombed the heck out of it?
Romney: The important thing to remember here is that Iraqis suck. Democrats suck as much as Iraqis. (triangulating rhetoric)
Moderator: But should we have invaded or not, Mormon?
Mormon: That’s a non sequitor. I’m going to throw around some big words now.
Moderator: What about you, fag?
Giuliani: I hate Iraq more than the Mormon guy and can say I love that we invaded Iraq. Democrats are even worse than Saddam Hussein. Democrats are having an affair with the Iranians.
Moderator: And you, straight-talker man? Did you even read the NIE?
McCain: I didn’t read the National Intelligence Estimate, but I’m not going to apologize for anything because that will embolden the enemy and re-animate the corpse of Saddam Hussein to fly to the United States and sodomize our children.
Brownback: Er, I don’t really think I read the NIE, but I spent a lotta time saying Iraq is evil, if that counts. Also, we should split up Iraq. Because if history shows one thing, the West redrawing the map in the Middle East doesn’t end up with a fucking disaster.
Moderator: Governor guy no one knows?
Gilmore: They should’ve read the NIE, but let me mention here that I love Israel. I especially like motza ball soup.
Moderator guy: McCain, if the general petraeus guy says hat we fucked up in Iraq, what should we do?
McCain: Look, I know Iraq sucks. But my kids aren’t over there! So we’ve gotta keep giving this strategy of slamming our heads against the wall a chance. Hillary Clinton is a communist who wants the A-rabs to kill us all.
(crowd goes while, redneck makes pig yell)
McCain: Let me also remind these assholes around me that if they try to split up Iraq that Israel might go to hell. But we have to keep giving Bush a chance. He certainly hasn’t used up his chances yet. This guy has so many damn quarters to keep jammin’ in this arcade machine of Iraq.
Thompson: But listen one minute, why don’t we let the Iraqis decide when we should leave? That’d maybe be fucking sensible. Maybe we could even split oil revenues. I actually make quite a bit of sense. What the hell am I doing in a GOP debate?
Hunter: (lots of useless military statistics) I am stupid enough to think Iraq has a military solution.
Moderator: What about you, Paul? Ain’t you a peacenik?
Paul: We suck for invading Iraq and staying in Iraq.
(crowd from Democratic debate sneaks and applauds wildly)
Huckabee: Ronald Reagan is a great man. The Taliban does not love Ronald Reagan (My interjection: What the fuck? He invented them). The Taliban wants to kill us.
Tancredo: Look, this whole thing is Iraq’s fault. The Iraqis are dumb ungrateful sand-niggers. WHITE POWER!
(crowd applauds: “Preach!”)
Moderator: Why is President Bush talking to Iran? Won’t the sun implode now?
Huckabee: Maybe talking isn’t bad all the time. I can’t pronounce the Iranian President’s name. Iran is the “leading sponsor of terrorism in the world” because that place in Darfur doesn’t exist, neither do Chechnya, the Congo, Israel, or Colombia. Every baby born on Jesus’s earth is scared to death of Iran.
Moderator: And you, Congressman no one knows?
Hunter: Iran is responsible for everything bad happening in Iraq. We may need to bomb the heck out of Iran.
Moderator: But would you please bomb them NOW?!
Hunter: “I’d authorize the use of tactical nuclear weapons.” (interjection by me: WHAT THE FUCK?)
Moderator: And you, drag queen?
Giuliani: You can’t rule off a nuclear war. The Democrats are back in the 1990’s, that horrible time of peace and prosperity. Last week we almost got owned by four losers at JFK airport. John Edwards is a fag.
Moderator: What about you Gilmore? Would you nuke Iran?
Gilmore: I love the troops. Maybe we should work with Europe on Iran…
(somebody in the crowd has a heart attack; medics run in)
Gilmore: …but nuking’ ‘em isn’t that bad of an idea.
(crowd member is revived: hallelujah!)
Romney: Look there’s no reason we should take nuking Iran off the table. That’s not insane or anything like that. We should maybe try to reach out to the Muslim world; telling them that we’re keeping nuking them “on the table” certainly won’t hurt that effort.
(muted applause from crowd)
Moderator: It’s storming outside. Maybe God is angry at us for being such dumb fucks?!
Other moderator: Tancredo, tell us how much you hate Mexicans.
Tancredo: Read my lips: I hate the fucking Mexicans much more than anyone else out here. I’d shoot the little mojitos if it was legalized. This is about OUR survival. “We are becoming a bilingual nation” and look at the Canadians and what happens when you have bilingualism. I mean, Celine Dion? Jesus Christ!
(crowd goes wild)
Giuliani: I actually am not as much of an anti-immigrant prick at the rest of these fellows, but I’m saying it in a really fancy way so as not to alienate the Klansmen in the audience.
Moderator: Do you hate McCain because he doesn‘t hate Mexicans?
Romney: I don’t hate McCain. I dragged that retard into Massachusetts twice to campaign for me. Helping undocumented immigrants is unfair to people applying for visas in India. I love fairness, my morbid hatred of homosexuals and Muslims aside.
(crowd applauds excitedly)
McCain: Z Visas are the answer. Even the name sounds sexy. I’m going to mention the troops here, because Republicans get erections at every mention of US soldiers, guns, or Jesus.
(crowd passes around bottles of Viagra )
Giuliani: McCain’s bill isn’t any good. I’m going to mention 9/11 now. Hmm, do I have any accomplishments besides photo-ops standing on the world trade center rubble?
Romney: We should just enforce the law, OK guys?! Note: this doesn’t apply to illegal wars, wiretapping, search and seizure, or the politically-motivated firing of US attorneys or vote-caging.
Moderator: If the Mexi-rats get kicked out, doesn’t that mean we won’t have anyone doing the jobs white people are too cool to do?
Hunter: That actually isn’t true. We need to build a huge wall on the Mexican border really fast. I’m going to mention Senator Kennedy in the same vein as McCain as Bush because being anywhere to the left of myself means you are certifiably insane.
(crowd applauds: “Holla!”)
Brownback: I’ve been dealing with immigration for a long, long time. I’m not sure if that’s a really good fact to mention because then I’m actually culpable for the mess we have right now. Also: I support doing something instead of doing nothing.
Thompson: Why don’t you jerks ever call on me? Look, I hate Mexicans, too!
Moderator: My apologies. I had you confused with a taco-lover.
Moderator: Paul you want a border fence between US and Canada?
Paul: Look, what we need is a free market. We shouldn’t scape-goat Mexicans.
(Three people in audience applaud, invite angry glares)
Moderator: So you guys don’t think US should be official language of the United States?
McCain: I ♥Native Americans. Maybe they can use their own language. I mean, they did get genocided.
Moderator: Gilmore are these upper class multimillionaire crusty white Christians conservative enough for you?
Gilmore: Hell-no. Amen.
Moderator: Should Fred Thompson join the race, other Thompson?
Other Thompson: Sure why not. I veto things a lot. Nothing can get passed under me. I want to be head of the government because I hate government. THAT’s why I’m in the GOP debate.
Moderator: This catholic guy says you suck, Giuliani
Giuliani: (dumb joke)
(crowd laughs a lot)
Giuliani: I love religion and hate abortion but government shouldn’t be enforce this (thinking: now maybe I’ll actually be electable in a general election _)
Romney: I am against cloning, taxes, and lots of stuff like that. I also like English. I know you asked me why I changed to a pro-life position when I decided to run for President, but I dodged the question.
Moderator: So why don’t you believe in evolution? What do you believe in?
Huckabee: I want to be President. God made earth. Science is stupid. I believe in God; if you believe in evolution, you don’t. Why are my colleagues a bunch of atheist heathens?
(huge applause from crowd)
Moderator: What about you, Jesus-Guy?
Brownback: This college is named after another Jesus-freak. I had cancer one time (and am now enthusiastic about bombing Iraq with cancer-causing depleted uranium). I know God created everything and I don’t need to prove it; this is truly relevant to a Presidential campaign, I assure you.
Moderator: McCain do you believe creationism should be taught alongside evolution?
McCain: I’ll leave it up to the school districts. I’m not just using the usual political cop-out that says someone else should decide it because me saying anything is way too politically risky.
Moderator: Romney doesn’t everybody hate you because you’re a Mormon? Certainly CNN should endorse bigoted positions like this.
Romney: Look, I love God. Just remember that. God. Love. Me.
Moderator: Libertarian-guy, what are your thoughts on church and state?
Paul: Um, I actually believe in separation of Church and State and allowing local-level people to decide these things. See, I believe in the Constitution. Why am I running in a GOP race again?
Moderator: Giuliani, what are you going to do about climate change?
Giuliani: I believe in global warming. It’s a matter of national security. I really want to insert a 9/11 reference here.
Moderator: Mormon, don’t you think that Big Oil has too much influence in the GOP?
Romney: Certainly not. Russia, Iran, and Venezuela are the problems. See how I turned that question around? I’m slick.
Moderator: And you, “maverick”-guy?
McCain: We should invest in the nuclear power we’re saying Iran can’t have. A bunch of military guys agree with me. The military is always right about everything and I’ll invoke their names to make any point possible.
Paul: We shouldn’t subsidize oil companies. And we should stop killing Arabs for oil too, maybe.
Gilmore: We shouldn’t trust the Kyoto treaty. We can’t trust the Japs. Remember Pearl Harbor? QED.
Moderator: Our allies let gays in the military. Should we?
Paul: We should treat homosexuals and heterosexuals as equals in the military, though they shouldn’t have sex in the military. I’m really going to get kicked out of this GOP Primary thing.
(CNN has a GAYS IN THE MILITARY rugged icon on the screen right now. Likely an Atlanta intern was paid a few thousand to lower our IQ)
Gilmore: I don’t like gays. Let me make that clear.
Giuliani: Listen, this issue is way too disruptive. Certainly that war I’m so excited about isn’t disruptive.
Moderator: Romney didn’t you support having gays in the military?
Romney: I like don’t-ask-don’t-tell. Giving gays rights in the military is a “social experiment” and we might lose to terrorists if we talk about this.
McCain: I LOVE THE TROOPS. THEY ARE THE BEST EVER IN HISTORY.
(Crowd goes wild)
McCain: The policy we have right now is working. (more fawning on the military)
Moderator: Does ANYONE here believe gays should be able to openly serve in the military?
Moderator: Would you use George W. Bush in your Administration?
Gilmore: I’d have him lecture young people about honesty, integrity, and passion. Can someone please shoot me now for being so freaking stupid?
Brownback: I’d let him do whatever he wants, maybe go around the world and talk to people after tragedies. I hate President Clinton.
Tancredo: Karl Rove hates me. George Bush will never come near the White House if I’m President.
(Crowd for Democratic debate sneaks in and applauds, realizes it’s applauding for the most-far right candidate on stage, shoots itself)
Moderator: What’s wrong with the GOP these days, guy no one knows?
Gilmore: Maybe we deserved to lose in 2006; corruption and all that. We have to get back to the sweet days where we kept blacks out of schools.
Moderator: Would you pardon Libby, Hunter?
Hunter: (question dodge) I’d pardon these random immigration patrol people. Then I’d bring back the Reagan Democrats. Great group of people.
Moderator: Would you pardon Libby, you guys?
Bunch of guys: No
Giuliani: (long winded-triangulation where he doesn‘t actually give an answer)
McCain: Just watch the appeals process
Romney: (another long-winded triangulation; poke at prosecutor Fitzgerald)
Thompson: Maybe kind of , sorta
Moderator: This debate really sucks, fawn over Anderson Cooper and Larry King who we’re putting up to make Cooper look even hotter.
Moderator: Alright! We’re back with a hand-picked Rainbow-coalition of deer-in-headlights losers.
Hot-ass blond: Alright lady what do you want?
Lady: My brother was killed in Iraq. What would you motherfucking assholes do to end this war?
Hunter: I appreciate your son dying for our oil.
Hunter: My son joined a couple of years ago. He’s fine now, not dead like your loser son.
(crowd applauds again)
Hunter: I just want to stay in Iraq until we kill enough sand-niggers so that Middle America will stop shitting itself at every mention of A-rabs.
Brownback: I’d like to thank your brother for dying for our geopolitical pipe dreams. I’m going to split up Iraq because that’ll certainly work. I’ve probably never seen a map of Iraq and its ethnic layout, that’s why I’m enough of a dumb fuck to think this would work.
McCain: (gets up from chair and walks up to stage like a moron) “I’m going to give you a little straight talk”; this war rocks and the troops rock and the generals rock but George Bush went at this wonderful blessed war in an incompetent way. But “we will succeed. God Bless you.” Sorry I can’t say that about your brother. He’s fucking dead.
Lady: What are you going to do in Iraq to make that place work?
Paul: We have to leave. We’re losing a thousand people a year. We need to get out there is not a military solution to this crap. If we set a good example others will try to emulate us. There is no way to enforce this stuff at the barrel of a gun.
(democratic crowd comes in, applauds)
Moderator: What do you think, Giuliani? Why don’t you come in and call Paul a pussy?
Giuliani: (gets up from his seat, trying to out-asshole McCain) This war started in the 1970’s and because your brother is dead we are safer. That is the biggest pile of bullshit ever spoken but I don’t feel bad about exploiting your brother’s death for my political gain. Attacking Iraq and overthrowing Saddam Hussein was “one of the greatest military accomplishments” in our history. I must be fucking high.
(crowd applauds a lot)
Another white woman: Do you think a conservative platform can include a conservationist agenda?
Gilmore: We should be energy independent that should be part of conservatism. I’m going to mention cutting taxes and then our soldiers in Iraq so I can dodge the question and not give you any real answer.
Tancredo: We should conserve the environment even though we are conservatives. Remember Teddy Roosevelt? That guy rocked. The market will save us from environmental disaster. You just have to believe in me.
Guy: I know this guy who went to Spain and he bought his meds there at 600 dollars less than here. What are you going to do about that?
Giuliani: Government’s the problem. I’m not really going to explain how or why that is. My campaign contributors ensure that _ Democrats are socialists. Free markets are good for healthcare. Look at Somali healthcare, that fucking rocks!!
(crowd applauds wildly)
Moderator: Hunter, what about Mexico? Don’t they have cheap drugs?
Hunter: The free market is great. Market. Capital. Ayn Rand. Oh, God, Ayn Rand…
Moderator: Uh, Hunter?
Hunter: Erm, I HATE MEXICANS!
Moderator: Thank you, Congressman Hunter.
Internet Question: Would you GOP-ers like to use a single-payer healthcare system?
Thompson: (gets up and walks to the front) We never got any healthcare questions in all the other debates. I wanna make-out with the guy who asked that question. We need education about tobacco and fatty foods and stuff! God, my answer is pretty bad for waiting so long for this question. I don’t believe I actually even answered the Single Payer thing. Oh well _;
Moderator: Mormon you were Governor of Massachusetts and had this healthcare plan where you forced people to buy into insurance. WTF?!
Romney: I hate government. I hate Washington. I hate Massachusetts, but I love the free market. Wait, why the fuck am I running for the head of the government and Washington if I hate them so much? Hmm. Democrats are communists.
Philosophy professor: What is the most pressing moral issue facing the country, and what would you do?
Hot-ass but dumbass blond: Huckabee you’re a pastor so you should answer this, right? After all clergymen are way more moral than us heathens.
Huckabee: We need to protect EVERY life. EVERY life. I hate Muslims, who hate life. They love death. They love when they get bombed to pieces, after all.
Giuliani: We have gifts that came to us from GOD. Too bad God didn’t give those gifts to the Sudan or someplace. God must hate them. LOL. Look we need to show the Middle East our values just like Ronald Reagan did. Woo, I’m gonna burn me some sand-niggers. In the name of God. That’s what makes us better than the jihadists _.
Paul: Pre-emptive war is bad. It’s even unchristian. These fuckers actually want to nuke Iran. What the fuck? We need to go back to the Constitution and defend our liberties and rights.
ian crowd comes in and applauds)
Brownback: We need to protect LIFE. Viva Life! Life! Life! Life! Life! I also care about Darfur and poverty even though I didn’t do anything about those things as a Senator.
Moderator: Would you support Giuliani if he got the nomination? That guy hates fetuses.
Brownback: I’ll support the nominee, yeah, but Giuliani ain’t gonna get it (Jesus will make sure of that _).
Airline Agent: Why are you airing ads in Spanish if you think English should be the national language?!
Blond bimbo: And why does your campaign website have Spanish on it, HUH?!?!?!
Romney: Well I hate Mexicans a little less than some of my colleagues, but I do hate them. Thank you.
Moderator: Would YOU advertise in Spanish, chief-Mexican hater?
Tancredo: No. “Bilingual countries DON’T WORK.” DO YOU HEAR THAT CANADA?! YOU…DON’T…WORK! McCain is a SECRET MEXICAN LOVER!
McCain: “Congressman, Muchas Gracias.” (smirks realizing he just captured the 5% of Hispanics who will actually vote in the GOP primary) Now I’m going to talk about the Vietnam War Memorial and Iraq and Afghanistan. See, Mexicans can die in oil wars, too. They’re God’s children; they have the right to kill sand-niggers, too.
(crowd with mixed reaction applauds)
Electrical engineer: In 2006 the Republicans totally lost. How are you guys going to fix that?
McCain: We spend too much. That obviously has nothing to do with this war we love so much.
Giuliani: Washington is a mess. I hate Washington. I hated NYC when I was its Mayor.
Romney: We should be more like Ronald Reagan
(Nicaraguans: Oh shit, are we going to get blown to hell again?)
Brownback: Cancer. We lost the election because of Cancer.
Thompson: It’s Washington’s fault. We also acted like Democrats. I hate them most of all.
Tancredo: George Bush acts like a liberal.
(interjection by me: I want a little bit of whatever Tancredo is taking)
Paul: We spend a trillion dollars a year killing brown people for an empire. : (
ian spies in crowd applaud)
Gilmore: Spending. Mexicans. Principles. Hillary Clinton is a Communist.
Hunter: My son who used to be in Fallujah said families are good. Obviously this has something to do with being President.
Huckabee: I hate government and am running to be its head. This is a theme in the GOP isn’t it?
Girl: What does it mean to be an American if you’re an immigrant?
Tancredo: I not only hate Mexicans but all immigrants. If you come in from somewhere else, you need to forget about where you came from. That’s why I practice as a Native American and hate my Caucasian roots. We need to stop almost all legal immigration, too. I’m nuts.
Moderator: Huckabee do you agree with stopping legal immigration?
Huck: No thx.
Giuliani: (gets up and quotes Lincoln) I’m smooth.
Moderator: Thank you.
Giuliani: (keeps talking)
Moderator: Ok seriously now.
Giuliani: (keeps talking)
(Giuliani sits down; crowd applauds)
McCain: (Reagan reference)
State legislator: How are you going to bring back independents and Republican moderates?
Gilmore: (gets up) Back when I lorded over Virginia I dealt with people who weren’t hardcore far-right Republicans. (thinking: I hated those bastards).
Moderator: Isn’t the Governator good at not pissing off liberals?
Hunter: No thx. Giuliani hates guns. Romney loves socialism. McCain loves Mexicans. I think they all love Ted Kennedy.
(interjection by me: How many times are they going to use Kennedy to demonize each other? Someone’s beating a fat dead horse here…)
Romney: I like troops. I like strong everything. I think I used the word strong like 12 times in the past 10 seconds.
Giuliani: I hate terrorism; Democrats love terrorists. I hate taxes, too. Notice I’m not using any details. That way I can’t be held to account _
McCain: I’ll protect the family; the “transcendent issue” of our time is Islamic terrorism. Sure, poverty kills tens of thousands a day but a couple of incompetent Muslim anarchists are way worse. I’m so Messianic I think I’m Jesus.
Moderator: Thanks we’re done now. We’re going to do our next debate that will be “revolutionary” with Google and Youtube. Now you’ll have to go read War and Peace six times to bring your IQ back to its normal level.