The first issue without a Simpsons reference since Smarch
For awhile I tried to only smoke when I drank, but I just couldn't drink that heavily.
-Joe Henley
I majored in Hyperbole in college. My GPA was one million!
Robert Rouskey, 13th Level Elf-Druid/Father
"Don't worry son, thunder is just god playing DDR. Wow, sounds like he's taking it to the max."
Chart Topping Chemistry Majors
Kanye West's Au Digger
Black Sabbath's Fe Man
The Beatles' Maxwell's Ag Hammer
Nirvana's Li

Sometimes I get a little too excited for mac and cheese. The other day I was making some, and I pushed the microwave button so hard that I stubbed my dick.
"I hate how everyone uses a Blackberry in our society. I mean can't you find another type of preserve to spread on your crumpet."

-An 18th century English stand-up comedian.
Proof Elephants Never Forget
Elephant #1: Hey, do you remember when Limp Bizkit was cool?
Elephant #2: Oh ya totally, they were awesome.
Father Who Didn't Expect To Have So Many Children
"I'm proud of my boys, AJ, BJ, CJ, DJ, EJ, …and Timothy."
Future Gossip Columnist As a Child
"O'Donnell round the Rosie, Parker full of Posey, Ashton, Ashton, Lindsay Lohan checks back into rehab."
Other uses for a mouse trap:
Loud Snap Maker
Finger Hurter
Fragile Cheese Dish
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