Who the hell is going to be He Man? WHO THE HELL IS GOING TO BE HE MAN!!!! Are they going to Batman it and go with a dark horse like Keaton? Will they Superman it and slip in an unknown? Will they Godzilla it and make He Man an orangutan? The theories are endless, but judging that producer Joel Silver (V for Vendetta) and directors the Wachowski Brothers (The Matrix) are at the helm to make the story more 300-esque aestheticlly and otherwise, perhaps these are the roles I would place inside of my hope chest:
He Man - This could be the most pivitol casting of my life. While much of the rumor mill has Paul Walker, Matthew McConaughey and Brad Pitt suiting up in the furry loin clothe, but in the end of the day the only gent that will really be able to hold down the role of He-Man will be the toughest man alive when I was growing up The Ultimate Warrior!!!
Skeletor I have a feeling that they may want to save on makeup in this category and just use a dead Jimmy Stewart here.
Man at Arms Burt Reynolds seriously, dude can still fucking play ball.
Evilyn - Let's get a little color in Eternia and use Tyra Banks. She'd be the most Proud Mary and self absorbed Evilyn ever, giving helpful advice to Skeletor whenever he gets a case of the down in the dumps, as well as the power to magically fluctuate her weight in accordance to what Eternia natives are saying about her in its local gossip rag, Entertain-ia.
Teela - Would need to have "wanna hit that" appeal let's say Jessica Biel since she is looking to become a major player in the Hollywood landscape and what better way to do that then wear leather chaps and have her ass?
Beastman - This role should completely alter the stereotypical tough guy regulator,mindless servant role and evolve into some form of lovable, proper English dandy that gives rye sass back to Skeletor after he is given orders let's go the Hugh Grant route.
Battle Cat - My cat is fat AND killed a bug the other day. (Who will probably get the part: some Jewish and/or gay cat)
but what if we could get even more characters involved then ever before. What if this truly would be the "universe" that we will be promised in a Masters of the Universe title? What if this were an epic that could last 19 hours and all the characters I could ever want would be in it? What about
Orko - Iggy Pop, but just because I envision Orko as a street walking cheetah with a heart full of napalm.
Fisto - Haley Joel Osment as the young Fisto slowly developing and harnessing the gift of having a huge metal hand for some reason it'd be a real adolescent coming of age, Luke Skywalker-esque journey that kids could write a blog about. Think a Fisto myspace page!
Mekaneck - Adrien Brody but instead of Mekaneck we'd switch it to Mekanose hahahhaah hahahahahah no, but seriously, we've all had a good laugh here but my nose is pretty big too. No joke all the looks of a Jew with zero fiscal sensibility. Sometimes I tell people I'm Jewish just so I can tell Semitic jokes, and people don't say a word because they see the schnozz and just say to themselves, "Yep, pretty much."
Stratos Crispin Glover would be perfect for the role as leader of the Bird People. In an attempt to garner some credentials with the hip art school kids, Crispin could be given multiple hits of acid, sent to the edge of an enormous cliff bordering jagged rocks in his Bird People garb and simply be filmed, without edits or additional audio, for 5 to 6 minutes. The film could be later dedicated to his memory.
Moss Man Danny Glover, because he may have better luck catching a cab this color? Dated material?
Trap Jaw Brooke Hogan rushed into mind she has a pretty dominant jaw and could beat the hell out of Topher Grace.
Two Bad Here is where we can get a little political. Bring in our flaming gay stereotype, Sean Hayes, and our ignorant hillbilly gay hating stereotype, Larry the Cableguy, and just watch the fireworks Kapow, Pop and Bla-Boom on this walking, talking example of why America is just barely tolerable.
Mer Man - Vince Vaugn has a chance to make this character his own, thus detracting would be Mer Man film recreations for future generations to come. Reprising his movie to movie portrayal of a man's-man with over the top reactionary, chauvinistic attitude, along with being the only cast member choosing to visibly sport a handful of a beer gut, this Mer Man is well on his way to scarfing 2800 calories before lunch followed up by a little afternoon shut eye. Sorry Skeletor, but no nautical attacks today Mer Man's honch is KILLING him
Tri Klops - Zach Braff could bring three new personalities to those three eyes whirling about his sensitive head: Thoughtful, Morose and Zany Self Reflection. As Spencer Sloan once said, "Zach Braff, you're a set of lips and a nose" and now we can add 3 peepers to that resume.
Whip Lash Carlos Mencia, and then we'd violently kill Whip Lash within the first 35 seconds of the movie most likely with suffocation, decapitation, castration, mutilation, hater-ation, AIDS or some "Mind of Mencia" worthy mixture of all the above Then, in real life, Carlos Mencia would get run over by a moose on the loose (which rhymes).