The movie setting is deep in the jungle. I decide early on that I will name all the animals after characters from the “Lion King” movie. Others in the room soon become annoyed when I refer to the lions as “Simba’s” and “Mafasa’s”. There are a lot of Asian people in the movie so the viewer is forced to order Chinese food which may take 15 extra minutes to arrive then what is quoted on the initial phone order. Which may result in a Chinese knife fight? Ten minutes into the movie I realize it is not the sequel to “Passion of the Christ”. That was where the disappointment began. The movie had subtitles and no dialogue. So I added my own dialogue. The movie soon evolved to part kung-fu movie, part porno, and part magic bullet infomercial. The movie begins following a tribe and it’s every day activities like hunting, fishing, playstation, and basketball. Early in the movie one of the members of the tribe eats testicles. Didn’t realize college fraternities were the descendents of ancient tribes. The movie has become a history lesson. Throughout the movie the title character doesn’t wear a shirt. So I take off my shirt to follow along. Soon I realize he is in better shape then me. So I stop the movie and go to the gym. Back from the gym. Didn’t workout though, just leered at the cute girl on the tread mill for forty-five minutes while talking to myself? The movie has picked up, the title character has been abducted by another tribe and it appears that he will be sold to slavery. Much like my ancestors were in the early nineties. Meanwhile, his pregnant wife and son are trapped in a deep hole without food or water. Which may be a good thing because his wife is kind of a fatty? The main character eventually escapes and the rest of the movie he just runs from other people that closely resemble him. Then he decides to use the jungle against his twin brothers and with the help of “Captain Planet” he defeats them. Meanwhile the cave his wife is trapped in has sprung a leak. She is drowning but manages to have a cool underwater birth like some sort of celebrity. Then her husband saves her, Mel Gibson pops out of the jungle says “Jew Goblin” eight times and then the credits roll. The whole plot could have been prevented with life jackets and modern weapons. Still waiting for my Will Ferrell cameo.