Welcome interns! You're about to embark on an exciting summer working for a company that cares nothing about you. It's not exciting for you, it's exciting for us. Because we found a creative way to get someone else to do all of our work for little or no money. In China, it's called slave labor. In America, it's called an internship.

Some of you will be charged with daunting tasks like opening envelopes and sorting coffee cups. Others will be doing more hectic work like reading letters and washing coffee cups. Still others will be identified as team leaders, and will be doing my work for me while I catch up on my internet porn. You don't want to get too far behind on that internet porn. There's a new girl in the bang bus every week!

The reason some of you will be running our company and some of you will be running to make copies is that we hired too many interns. I know we shouldn't hire more people than we have room for, but we're paying you guys dick so what does it matter? Also, we may not have enough desks for all of you.

You might not be working for me. You might be doing work for one of my colleagues instead. Interns actually do most of the work in America. You know how John Hancock signed the Declaration of Independence? Nope, intern. Hancock was busy looking at ink sketches of naked chicks being kicked out of buggies. Little known piece of history – that's actually how Han-cock got his name.

Anyway, those of you who will be getting our work done for us will be happy to do it, since it beats the hell out of washing coffee cups. The rest of you will spend half the day on Instant Messenger, IMing other interns about how bored they are. Lol!

Why be an intern? There's so much to gain from the experience. You'll be able to add a line to your resume in order to help you compete for a sub-par entry level position. You'll learn many skills that will help you in the working world, like how to exploit college students during summer internships. And, in two months, we're totally going to take you to lunch. Mainly so that we also get a free lunch, but we'll say it's to celebrate you. Yay, you!

So best of luck and we hope you enjoy the summer. Mainly so you can tell your friends and we can get more slave labor next year.

(Want to be an intern for Steve this summer? Email steve@stevehofstetter.com. He promises he won’t make you wash his coffee cups)