Dear Denny Strigl; President & CEO of Verizon Wireless,
I recently switched my service from AT&T Wireless over to Verizon and have been less than pleased with the service. I must admit the free phone was nice and it gets great reception, and I can’t complain about the money I am saving, but the Network is a little much.
Seriously, what the fuck were you thinking? Why would I want or need so many people for a stupid fucking cell phone. I have cable: I have a cable man. He lives his own life and when I need him I call him over. Do you understand how that works, you know, the whole not creepy part?
I can’t go anywhere anymore unless they have a group discount which means I have spent the last four weekends at the Zoo. Do you know how boring Zoos are? Watching the monkeys masturbate was only funny for the first week. Okay, first two weeks, but it does get old.
My girlfriend wants to go out someplace nice but it might surprise you to know that your Network is making that impossible. Imagine that, no place in town accepts reservations for 2,002. If my sex life suffers just know that so will you.
And you owe me money. My house is trashed because none of them ever remember to take off their boots when walking on the carpet and just yesterday I caught one of them eating some Ben & Jerry’s out of my freezer. Cherry Garcia, my favorite flavor.
Lastly, can somebody please explain to me why they are all wearing helmets? What’s so dangerous about following me around that would require helmets? You need to send me a fucking helmet.
I am confident, judging by the success of your company, that you will make things right.
Your angry customer,
Ryan Kraemer
P.S. The Verizon guy is actually very nice. You don’t let his personality show in your commercials. He says I am the only person who truly hears him.