Half hour till midnight, what am I doing in my condo when I could be out in downtown Nashville hitting on women who will laugh in my face? The answer: avoiding those such women.
Anyway, Leno was on TV and I was simply sitting around, not doing anything special. As it tends to happen, I got thirsty. Picked up the glass in front of me, got off the couch and went to the faucet in the kitchen to grab some water. Well, I turn the faucet, and instead of water, I see a tentacle slither out of the faucet head. "That's odd," I thought, "water pollution can't be that bad here."
I should've turned off the damn thing, but hindsight's twenty-twenty, right? The tentacle slithered out, another couple followed. Wouldn't you know it, the faucet burst right the fuck off of the main line, spraying water and, more importantly, a baby kraken. The squid-like creature swam around the pool of water in the sink (as usual, the sink had a clog in it. Go figure, that's what happens when your cat habitually hacks hairballs in the damn thing) and I giggled. My very own pet kraken! Maybe I could send it to attack rubber ducks!
So I reach down into the water to pet it, and the thing latches on to my right ring finger. I felt little sharp things pricking the tip of my finger, but they were so small that they didn't break the skin. Nonetheless, this was decidedly abnormal and I reacted as such.
I'd like to say I held the finger up to my face, looked the baby kraken in its eyes and bit its head off. I'd like to say that, but it didn't happen. What did happen is I screamed like a little girl, ran to the bathroom, turned the water on full-blast and as hot as it could go and held the kraken underneath the stream. Well, it emitted a piercing shreak, popped right off my finger, and flopped around the bottom of the sink. I felt bad for the little guy. Sure, he just tried to eat my finger, but that didn't mean that it deserved to be burned to death. I turned the water to a cooler temperature, plugged up the sink, and wouldn't you know it, another kraken came out!
Having learned my lesson from the first one, I picked up a chopstick from the Chinese I ordered that morning and poked the second one when it plopped out of the faucet. That one, too, latched on to the stick and tried to make the stick its meal. "Yes," I thought, "this definitely does not happen on a regular basis…"
The thought entered my mind that I could make a lot of money if I found the mother kraken and, you know, captured it. Of course, this posed problems. Namely, these kraken babies were coming from the pipes and due to the size of pipes relative to myself, getting there would be a problem. Another issue came to my mind when I realized that treading upon kraken grounds unarmed was probably a bad idea. I looked around the condo for a weapon I could use, but only found the pen knife I got from a Sunday school teacher with whom I worked a few years ago. Make do with what you've got, I've always felt.
Now, how to get down there? Luckily, TV came through for me and a Mario Party ad came on. Of course! Simply leap upon the pipe to enter Davy Jones's locker—figuratively speaking, of course.
I estimated where the major water pipe would be in the floor, took an oddly conveniently placed jackhammer from the closet, and went to work. The ensuing noise somehow woke up my mother, who came down the stairs and groggily asked what it was that I was doing. I responded, calmly, that I was going to go to the land of krakens, steal the mommy kraken, and become rich. She nodded and said, "Okay, just call me when you get back," and walked upstairs.
Eventually, I broke through the pipe, leapt down, shrank, and began the long swim towards the kraken land. From my adventures in WoW, I learned to look for air bubbles. Thankfully, the fake world didn't lie to me, and I was safe in the pipes. I swam for what felt like fifteen hours. I finally reached a large body of water (it turned out to be Center Hill Lake— I knew this because of a sign that read "Welcome to Center Hill Lake, Home of the Kraken") and was greeted by a gigantic tentacle sweeping three feet in front of my face.
I swam back, frightened. A gigantic kraken head swam up and a calm, yet slightly deluded voice filled my head, Human, you have entered my realm. You are the one who has stolen two of my children; prepare to die.
I grinned, held up my pen knife, and gurgled a phrase that was supposed to be, "Bring it on, bitch."
And that's when the acid trip ended.