Well it's that time again. Yes – Friday. Time to get drunk and crunked and all that jazz. By jazz I mean get F*CKED. LAID! Snacktime! Oh, and yes – time to talk about Paris, Lindsay, and Kim Kardashian's ass.

So let's start things off right, shall we?

Yes! I love you and your giant badunkadunk, Kim Kardashian. Enjoy your five minutes! Once your BFF is out of jail, your time is up. [Source/photo: IDLYITW, NinjaDude]

Which brings us to the mess of Paris's week in the clink. The heir to the Hilton hotel chain AND a mean case of herpes left jail to be at home under house arrest on Thursday, but today the biotch has gone BACK to prison in tears! She left for medical reasons and now she'll have to get better in the slammer. If she hadn't already had her mental breakdown, she has forty days to have one now. Get it out of your system, P! [Sources: WWTDD, TMZ]

Best Week Ever is exclusively reporting that Lindsay Lohan's mom is finally going to visit her in rehab…2 weeks after her daughter arrived. 2 weeks! Seriously, I know most of our parents aren't perfect, but what kind of ho sits around while her daughter is detoxing across the country? Come to think of it, it's her shitty parenting that got Lindsay into craziness like car accidents and playing with knives…maybe Mama Lohan should stay far away.

Yes, that's Vanessa Minnillo slicing LiLo's tit off. Is this hot or freaky? I keep changing my mind.

BTWLindsay is still leaving rehab to work outEVERY DAY. She has to sweat the coke out of her system, I guess. [Sources/photo: BWE, Egotastic, DListed]

Heard the rumor about Nicole Richie being pregnant?
Yeah, I didn't believe it either, unless babies now grow in bones instead of the uterus. But this one pic looks kind of baby-bumpish. Wouldn't her body snap from the pressure of a 6 pound fetus hanging out in her gut? [Sources: IDLYITW, CelebSlam]

Nicole might be going to jail too, and though she claims to be scared, I bet she could handle it. That bitch is tough – she has to be to survive on lettuce and Vicodin for three years straight.

Okay, back to people with cellulite…BRITNEY! She's dating her rehab-appointed sponsor/drug counselor person. Well, not dating. Probably just getting impregnated by his sperm. As if she needs more chubby babies. What she needs is some lipo. Too mean? I guess, but seriously, look at her in that string bikini for more than a minute and you'll be on my side. [Sources: CelebSlam, IDLYITW]

Do you guys know who Criss Angel is? Do you care? You shouldn't, except that he's fucking Cameron Diaz and he wants the world to know about it. He did some "magic trick" in NYC where he locked himself in a concrete-encased box for 24 hours, and when all was said and done (after he came crashing down to the ground – the box was 40 feet in the air, obvs) he dedicated the spectacle to his main ho, Cameron. Except he called her "Trouble", which is what I hope his career will be in soon. [Source: DListed]

I am pretty sure you will get laid if you tell a girl you support breast feeding in public as her right. Especially if that girl is Maggie Gyllenhaal. [Egotastic]

And you know, when it comes down to it, I'm really no expert on getting laid, I'm just some biotch who knows shit about celebs.

The person you should really be talking to is Christina Aguilera's husband, also know as The Ugliest Man Alive Who Fucks A Kinda Hot Chick For A Living. He has all the secrets. I know nothing compared to this guy, but there's no reason he should be getting laid and not you. EVERYONE who is reading this could beat this guy out on HotOrNot.com. Even me. [Sources: CelebSlam, HollywoodTuna]

I'm off. If only we were chatting in person, I'd lesbian kiss you goodbye. [Source/photo: NinjaDude]


PS: Let's end this right, too:

Petra Time!

[Source/photo: HollywoodTuna]