Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
A Phone Call From Your College Three Weeks After Graduation
June 11, 2007
Hey. What's up? Yeah, I know, it's only been a few weeks but it feels like forever right? I mean, you graduated. Wow, it's pretty crazy. I know, I know. Listen, what have you been up to? Oh, no job yet? That's cool. A lot of people hang around the house the first few months out of school waiting for that golden opportunity to strike. You know, as an Alumni, Career Services is still at your disposal for oh you did? And they couldn't help you? Told you to what? Jeez I'm really sorry about that. Yeah, I'm not really sure what they're getting paid for over there either.
So, have you spoken with a lot of your friends from school? Oh that's great. And what about that hot little number that- oh you guys broke up? Jeez, I'm sorry. Oh wow, you're in the hosptial right now? Whoa, I'm sorry. Must've been a pretty bad break up. Yeah, an ex did that to my car too once, oh no, not while I was in it. Wow, man, that must have hurt.
Anyway, listen. So the reason I'm calling is actually- well first let me say that we so greatly valued your commitment to intellectual pursuits while you were here and. Oh that's right you did graduate with a 1.8. Hey, it's passing right? Yeah, I would imagine those weren't your parents sentiments. So, yeah, like I was saying, the reason we're calling is because we wanted to offer you the honorable title of Alumni Giver. Of course, everyone gives according to their own means but we were hoping you might be able to donate something in the $10,000 range today.
Sure, sure, definitely understandable. Ten thousand dollars is quite a bit of money, especially for someone right out of school. That's why we were actually hoping you might find it in your heart to help your alma mater out with $2000. Oh, still too much? I see, well do you think you can at least do $500? No?! Oh, all right. How bout fifty bucks? Ten? A dollar?
All right, well it was good catching up with you man. I hope things pick up for you soon.
There is a clicking noise.
Dick. Oh, you're still there? Sorry about that, I actually was referring to how slick you would be once you donate. Hello? Hello?
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.