Ethan: As is always the case this time of year, the big news this week has centered around pro basketball. I know the league hasn't been as popular in recent years, but can you believe that Chamique Holdsclaw would just retire out of the blue like that? I'm shocked. I don't know if I'll ever watch the WNBA again.
Amir: As a Sparks fan I can tell you the feeling right now in Los Angeles is one of disbelief. People are demanding their season tickets back.
Ethan: I wore my Sparks jersey to a bar last night and people were laughing at me. I assume because of this Holdsclaw thing. Let's talk about men's basketball to take our minds off of it. Man, how epically stupid of me was it to pick the Cavs last week? You're a terrible friend for not saving me from that embarrassment.
Amir: Hey its not over, the Cavs could still make a late push and trade the rest of their team for four decent players. Are the Cavs the worst team the Spurs have played in the playoffs?
Ethan: No, they're better than the Nuggets. Tim Duncan also played in a charity game against some middle schoolers last month, and with the right calls, I think the Cavs could take them in a seven game series.
Amir: Rise Up!
Ethan: Should LeBron have gotten the foul call at the end of the game last night? Would it even matter?
Amir: Fouls rarely get called at the end of games and if they do they are shot-altering fouls like on the wrist or on the forearm. Bowen sort of shoved LeBron but he elevated and shot it as he normally would. Even LeBron called the contact "incidental" after the game. The real question is: who is happier about this impending sweep, David Robinson or LeBron's pregnant girlfriend?
Ethan: Neither. It's gotta be Penny Hardaway. He knows the announcers will have to mention how his '95 Magic got swept, and he's just excited to hear his name on TV again.
Amir: My guess is he's washing dishes at an Applebee's and hoping his natural quickness will net him a promotion to bus boy.
Ethan: I'm pretty sure he's had to burn Lil' Penny for warmth at this point.
Amir: I always thought he was a plastic
Ethan:Are the Spurs an all-time great team?
Amir: Of course. They have four championships in nine years.
Ethan: Four in Nine is the weirdest dynasty fraction since the Pats run for four in seven last year.
Amir: The weird this is, none of this would have happened if they didn't have that injury plagued year 10 years ago. I mean look at their records from 1993 to 1998: 55 wins, 62 wins, 59 wins, 20 wins (the injury plagued year) Then 56 wins. They were a great team before Duncan. Doesn't one year of misfortune seem worth it for a dynasty? Maybe the Lakers should sit Kobe this year!
Ethan: Sorry Bucks fans, it only works for a year of misfortune, not a generation.
Amir: Dan Gadzuric is a modern day Lew Alcindor. He just has to change his name, you'll see.
Ethan: I guess the Spurs are a legit dynasty, but I also don't think a great dynasty would elicit a response of "Oh, yeah, probably " That's more the response you give someone when they ask if you're excited for the return of the McRib.
Amir: I would be SO MUCH more excited about a McRib then another Spurs finals.
Ethan: Catch any of Justin Verlander's no-hitter last night?
Amir: All nine innings. Under my stage name, "Pudge Rodriguez."
Ethan: I like Verlander a lot, although I've been worried he's going to get injured since like last June, and it still hasn't happened. I highly suggest looking at Yahoo's box score of the game. The Brewers' top performer is Craig Counsell: 0-4 with 2 K and no walks. That little guy just inspires us every time he takes the field, and that counts for something. What food was distracting Prince Fielder from getting a hit? My guess is wings.
Amir: Agreed. It's taking all of his willpower to keep from eating one of the racing sausages at Miller Park; he can't be expected to get a hit in every road game.
Ethan: On to the NFL: where does Daunte Culpepper end up? Can he get the NFLPA to file a grievance against his talent for abandoning him two years ago?
Amir: I blame his agent: Daunte Culpepper.
Ethan: What team would trade for him at this point? He's injury-prone, and when he has played in the last two seasons, he's been terrible. Like, Quincy Carter-level bad.
Amir: Get your roll on!
Ethan: Maybe the Dolphins could get an AFL draft pick for him, but who's going to give him a starting job? What I'm about to type I say in all sincerity and not just for shock/comedy value: at this point, I'd rather have JP Losman.
Amir: As an agent or a quarterback?
Ethan: Both. And I'd take Joey Harrington as a publicist and Jeff Garcia as a stylist.
Amir: And Cleo Lemon as a manager. I think one last question about the NFL still remains though which species is going to be able to guard 85 in 07?
Ethan: Not a horse, that's for damn sure. I hear the Ravens are trying to cross-breed a cheetah with a gazelle to make some sort of super-fast DB hybrid, but I doubt it will be all that effective in a Cover 2.
Amir: You're joking but I saw Chris McAlister mating with a Bobcat the other day. And Ray Lewis gnawing on a zebra carcas.
Ethan: Got Interesting fact for the week? More than your safari based lies about the Ravens defense?
Amir: I was saving this Justin Verlander gem for a perfect game, but I guess his no-no will have to do. In High School, Verlander traded .1% of his signing bonus for 50 cents so he could buy chocolate milk. A few years later that guy ended up with a cool $3,000. Talk about buying low and selling high.
Ethan:My favorite part about that story is that when Verlander talked about it in SI last month, he stood by his decision to spend three grand on a milk. That's the kind of confidence that lets you throw a no-hitter. Of course, he could probably make twice that selling Jim Leyland loose cigarettes in the dugout over the course of one weekend series.
Ethan:Until next week, try to enjoy the rest of the Finals. Making fun of Ginobili's hair can usually fill at least a quarter if you're getting bored.