Dear Dakota,

It’s Jodie. Jodie Merson from Grover Creek Elementary. Remember me? We went to elementary school together before you moved off to Hollywood to become a big f*cking star. Still don’t remember me? Well, just to refresh your memory, I’m the girl who beat you for the role of the Blue Fairy in our first grade production of “Pinocchio”. I’m also the girl who won the spelling bee in 2nd grade, the same year you got disqualified for misspelling blueberry. Remember me yet? I’m your worst f*cking nightmare.

You’ll be happy to know I beat out nearly 20 other girls for the role of Baby Louise in the Grover Creek Junior Community Theatre Players production of “Gypsy”. Well, I’m actually the understudy but whatever, it’s a really big deal. Just short of doing a Spielberg film as far as I’m concerned. The director said I had a lot of potential, and I said “More than Dakota?” and he said “Who?”… You see that!? Not everyone knows who you are! You’re not as famous as I’m going to be! I’m a REAL actress, and I can act the pants off of you and you know it! In our kindergarten class I played a snowflake and the teacher gave me a motherf*cking SOLO! Do you remember who you were in that recital?!? You were just one of the many lowly Rainy Day Umbrella Dancers, AND THAT’S ALL YOU’LL EVER BE!!!!

I suppose I should also tell you that I found the contact information for your agent at William Morris. I sent him my school picture and a letter detailing my goals and theatrical accomplishments. I also told him that I was far superior actress to you and included a VHS tape of our 1st grade ballet recital to prove it. Oh yeah. I went there. Enjoy your career while it lasts because once he sees your pathetic arabesques, he’ll fire your skinny blond ass faster than you can say “War of the Worlds was a sh*tty movie”.

Oh, by the way, my 10th birthday is coming up in July and I’m having a huge party. I’d invite you, but unfortunately you’re a disgrace to humanity.

Go f*ck yourself,
Jodie