Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Are You Sopranos Series Finale Sex?
June 13, 2007
It's over. The Sopranos is over. The last episode left millions of people confused. Confused, and then angry at their cable providers. Angry at their cable providers, and then angry at David Chase (upon seeing the credits and realizing there was nothing wrong with their TVs.) "Bullsh*t!" people screamed at their television sets and into cell phones to friends and family. "That really sucked ass!" "Disappointing f*cking bullsh*t!" was typed in message boards across the globe.**
So was the ending a big, lame, letdown, or was it a poignant, subtle, cyclical masterpiece? I don't know. I mean I do know, but this column isn't about analyzing television, it's about sex and relationships and stuff. That being said, I did have this whole other column planned entitled, "Give a Sh*t about the Clit
the Tit" but I ended up just repeating that (very important message!) over and over again and it somehow ended on a masturbation tangent.
So what now? Well, I've already schooled you guys on masturbation, and answered some of your very important questions** and now I want to bring a little pop culture into the mix. I want to give sex talk some television love; some series finale television love.
"But Mindy, how do you define fucking in terms of television series finales? Could you give me some examples? Like maybe three or four shows or something?"
Why yes, I could. What an awesome and totally convenient question!
Sopranos Series Finale Sex
You're the kind of guy that bangs the crap out of girl and then right before she's about to cum, pulls out, turns off all the lights, and waits about five or six seconds (so she's completely lost her hard-on) before telling her she has to suck you off herself. Most women videotape sex with you so they can watch it over and over again in order to figure out exactly what happened and what it all means.
Saved By the Bell Series Finale Sex
You're a shameful Saturday morning post hook-up, hook-up. You like to dry hump fully clothed. Most women leave your house feeling ashamed, but they always come back for more. And just when they think they've gotten you out of their systems, they find themselves having a good, clean dry humping reunion with you again in Las Vegas; feature-length-made-for-television movie style.
Friends Series Finale Sex
You always bang your hot, white, attractive, upper/middle-class girlfriend in the missionary position. You keep your suit on and she hikes up her skirt and reads a fashion magazine. It's been ten years, and your moves have become sappy, predictable, and highly overrated. She's a fan though, so you get away with it.
Six Feet Under Series Finale Sex
Congratulations, you're the Best.Lover.Ever! You make her whole life flash right before her eyes. You turn up Sia and passionately massage her g-spot while existentially caressing her thigh. Most women have deep meaningful orgasms with you that bring them to tears afterwards, while some have trouble finishing because your age make-up and wigs look ridiculous.
So I hope now to hear to this when getting my coffee tomorrow morning.
Girl 1:"Was he good?"
Girl 2: "Well, he was kind of a Sopranos series finale fuck, so I don't know. . . maybe.
**okay I didn't check message boards across the globe, but that's what I heard two people say at Starbucks the next morning. Two people, I might add, who looked like they were members of multiple Sopranos internet discussion groups. Okay their looks had nothing to do with it, but one of them said to the other "Hey, you know what we should do right now? Login to one of our numerous Sopranos internet discussion groups and vent!" Are you still reading this footnote? Wow, thanks!
**By the way, when I wrote " I think it's normal for balls to be asymmetrical" I was mistaken. Apparently asymmetrical balls could be a sign of cancer. I got two e-mails about it, one of them calling me "irresponsible" and "a lousy sex medacal educator" (
misspelling) I'm so sorry you guys. I didn't take any "medacal" classes when I was getting my Bachelor of Arts degree. Still reading this footnote? Um . . .give a shit about the clit
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