When you send your kid to school, he may need one of these: TI – 8300+

A) Screen – Newer, wider, more superdupermegapixels than ever before. Built in camera and viewfinder helps you quickly snap that shot of Kelly Simpson's cleavage while she's not looking. Note: superdupermegapixels do not protect against Kelly's boyfriend, Todd, punching you in the neck.

B) Ultracylon compounding laser – One never knows when the heliotrons will descend upon our school. Also, Todd's about to punch your neck.

C) 2nd Key – When in a conversation with someone via infrared, Bluetooth, multi-chat, a/v chat option, you can simply press this key to say "Yes. I second that."

D) Lunch Menu Button – Deli day? Hot foods? Holy crap, could it be pizza day? Up to the minute lunchroom updates- and with the plus model you can WiFi order that and have it waiting for you in the cafeteria.

E) SING button – Bored whilst rummaging through trig problems? Press SING for the latest from Outkast Note: This song is always the radio edit of Bombs Over Bagdad.

F) Slick Wheel – iGod 400GB: music, photos, movies, web, universal remote, gameboy, air traffic controlling module, chapstick, skateboard and much more- including a laser pointer.

G) Cam – makes it easy to copy off the guy next to you. Thanks Danny Finklestein, I owe you so huge.

H) Right Side Nail File – ever stuck in class with a hang nail and/or broken nail? A quick fix is at your finger tips. Note: Filing your nails with the TI – 8300+ in class will not make you look any less gay.

I) Bottom Slide Out Drawer – Keeps Pop Tarts warm all the way through 7th period.