Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
I Hate Sequels
June 14, 2007
Does anyone know what the deal with Evan Almighty is? Is it like a sequel or what?
I'll admit, I was pretty excited when Bruce Almighty came out five years ago. It's pretty weird seeing people make a movie about You, ya know? The whole thing was just so surreal. I didn't even mind when they glossed over some crucial parts of My life, like the cosmic egg in which I created Myself (complicated, I know). I only got to meet Jim Carrey once, but he's just as funny in person as he is in the movies or in the shower. Totally a dude's dude. He made this one face that made Me laugh so hard, it made this one kind of squid extinct.
You know why Jim Carrey is getting into heaven? He doesn't do sequels. He wasn't in Son of the Mask, wasn't in Dumb and Dumberer, and now he's not doing this. You don't see Me creating humans II with three arms or something.
But then there's Evan Almighty. I hadn't even heard about it until I saw the trailer before Pirates of the Caribbean 3 and I was all, "Medamn it?" Nobody even told Me about this one. Not that I need money, but I want to make sure everything in there's reasonably accurate. My lawyer is looking into this, and he's good. He's the personification of justice, and he's Jewish.
Sorry if I'm showing anything less than perfect goodness by complaining, but Evan Almighty doesn't even use any of the same characters. You might as well call Ocean's 13 a sequel to Bushwhacked, just because the sum of everyone in the cast's age is a prime number. This movie's not coming out for two weeks, and I can already smell it from My home dimension.
The worst part is that I am a
Steve Carell fan. I even like the American Office wayyyy more than the British one, which is a dangerous thing to say around comedy people. It's even better than the Korean one that's going to come out in 2009. It just sucks when one of your favorite actors makes a piece of shit movie, ya know? I hope that's not the case here, but it certainly looks that way.
Also, people always get the details about the flood wrong. Let Me tell you how it happened. First, the humans started it with all the wickedness in their hearts. Almost nobody was relaxing on the Sabbath. People were jacking off all the time, too. I really didn't have much choice, but I didn't drown everyone. What do you think, I just let Noah and his family inbreed to repopulate the world? No, that's what Adam's kids were for. I just killed off 95% of everyone, but you just know the movie is going to make me into the bad guy. Ugh!
, I do look a little bit like Morgan Freeman, except I don't have a beard and I'm made of unbounded love.
One final note: I hid Gabriel's flaming sword in a cloud bank and he
I kid you not, he started to
! He got all up in Azereius' face being like "I know you hid my sword, where is it," all with tears streaming down his face. Soooo funny. What a pussy.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.